I CLOSE MY EYES AND COUNTDOWN TO DEN

Now that TriniDad's Caribbean Queen has left her husband and taken up residence in the B&B, they don't seem to be sharing the same dream. TriniDad finds out that Jim wrote the letter and chases him around the square in non-comedy old codger stylee. Caribbean Queen wins him round with her lamb curry, however, and soon their hearts will beat as one. No more love on the run for TriniDad.

Vickney returns with a new set of highlights and an almost non-existent American accent. Apparently she lost it through spending weeks trolling around Europe with Shazza. Denman is politely pleased and removes his shirt for Mark's benefit. Vickney says she's all grown up now, and she wants to "fit in". MMartin praises her manipulative qualities and Vickney smirks.

MMartin comes home at dawn and reveals that he was with a girl all night. Poline is shocked and appalled by this uncharacteristic behaviour from a heterosexual teenage male.

Ethel 2.0 gets all excited about Brighton - Sodom of the South. Fool decides to take her there on a short holiday. Slutty is upset because Fool is spending all his time with Ethel and ignoring her "Save me from Byrite Andy" eyes.

Now, I'm no expert on East End gangsters, but I'm sure Byrite Andy must have better things to do than hang around a pub all day, badgering Slutty to go out with him. After much eye rolling and waving of red flags at Fool, Slutty gives in and agrees to go out with him again.

Drippy tells Billy to return the loss-adjusted money. The loss adjuster goes: "What??? I can't do that! I'll get investigated. I'm up for early retirement etc etc" and refuses to take the money back. Billy is sad. Give it to Battersea Dogs' Home or something if you're that bothered, fool. Shazza gives him a bonus too. Billy is sadder. I just don't get this plotline. Even Perry Fenwick looks bemused, and he's read what happens next.

Fill reluctantly delivers MiniFill to Squeaky for a few hours of Squeaky Mum Fun. Squeaky buys Mini Fill a fairy outfit and they're having lots of fun when Fill comes back and finds Mini Fill doing a fairy dance. He explodes - obviously buying a small girl a fairy outfit is going to turn her into a raging lesbian or something - and carts Mini Fill away, trampling her little fairy wings underfoot. Boo! Hiss!Squeaky calls her hitman and tells him that if he doesn't hurry up, she'll find an Albanian gangster who will do it for £5k and a passport.

Denman puts his shirt back on and spends the rest of the day doing the scary midget thing with Fill. They meet up at the Arches and Denman reminisces about how he's had most of Fill's women: his sister, his wife, his nanny...in fact the only Mitchell he hasn't shagged is Babs, and that's only because her wig might fall off and do him an injury. Fill gets crosser and crosser, and shouts very loudly indeed. Oh no Denman, it's a trap! Fill's Mile End Myrmidons appear from nowhere - all bald and dumpy like their master, maybe there's a secret underground cloning lair under the Arches - and beat up Denman while Fill laughs evilly.