I'M JUST WAITING ON O-DEN
The O-Den build-up continues. Denman says that Mad Frankie Knuckles told him that O-Den crawled out of the canal and went to live in Spain when he didn't die of any canal-related poisoning disease. Shazza says: "No no no no! I was at his funeral! He's dead! Anyway, I was his little girl and he wouldn't leave me alone in the world because he loved me and only me and not you or Vickney or anyone." I'd say classic only child syndrome if I wasn't an only child myself.

Denman disappears and Shazza cries. Then she has weird 1980s flashbacks that show off her poodle perm and look a bit like the video for Ashes to Ashes only without David Bowie in a clown costume and the bit on the beach. The picture of Den on the sideboard seems to have spawned a mini-picture of Den so that together they obscure the pic of Hero Fireman Tom.

More Brighton related shenanagins involving non-comedy hats. Slutty tries to get Alfie to ban her from going to New York with Byrite Andy, but fails. Apparently Byrite Andy is kind, and generous and makes her laugh, but it has completely failed to register with Slutty that this man is a GANGSTER. He kills people for a living, FFS! You're probably only going to New York so that Byrite can set up a deal of some kind with Tony Soprano and Paulie Walnuts involving the pursuit of big Russian blokes through snowy forests in the middle of the night. Alfie doesn't say: "He's a GANGSTER! Don't go! Stay with me and enjoy non-comedy Alzheimer's antics with Ethel 2.0 and Backward Moon!", so Slutty goes to New York to have sex with Byrite and swap style tips with the Bada Bing strippers.

Fill sees Squeaky in the market and mentions casually that he and Kyert are going away with Mini Fill for a very very long time. Another missed opportunity. Squeaky doesn't go: "Soooo...the big hard Fill Mitchell is on the run from a short squeaky woman and her access demands...what a tosser!" Instead she runs over to Hitman, who is waiting in the Alley of Dirty Deeds, and says she wants to kill Fill now.

Billy confesses. Shazza sacks him.

Yolande and Dot draw the Biblical battle-lines over lunch. Dot says: "You're a transgressing old whore!". Yolande says: "The Lord forgiveth all sinners". Dot says: "Ohhh...you've got me there. You're quite a nice lady really, aren't you?" Jim and TriniDad sigh with relief - now that their women are getting along fine, the old codgers' non-comedy antics can continue.

Denman knocks on the door of a Footballers Wives-style house and who should open it but O-Den's posh mistress. You know, the one he installed in the Vic following Angie's departure and who tried to turn the place into a wine bar or something unthinkable. Anyway, she's dyed her hair, which is a bit unfortunate because she now looks like a cross between Maureen Lipman and Virginia Bottomley. She purrs too. Posh mistress says that Shazza wouldn't be able to handle the truth about O-Den, but Denman insists that she speak to Shazza and she eventually agreess. He also keeps denying that Shazza is his sister because he has his own pervy agenda.

He goes back to Weird Family Central to pick up Shazza and take her back to Posh Mistress's place, but Shazza is all weepy and he can't go through with it. Enough already. Just give us Den so we can move on a bit...