THE DENMAN ALWAYS RINGS TWICE
It's the morning after the Big Fight, and Denman hasn't returned. His womenfolk fret and fuss and Shazza calls on Fill to find out what's goin' on. Fill says 'e never touched Denman, which is kind of true, as long as they don't check the clone army's DNA. Denman staggers through the door just as Shazza starts ringing around the hospitals. He's got one eye taped up and he's covered in teeny scratches that make him look more like he's done ten rounds with Shirley's cat than been beaten up by Fill's Clone Army.

Shazza is wearing a mini-skirted suit thing that makes Slutty's outfit look like Mother Teresa's habit.

Billy/Drippy debt situation. Billy 'fesses up to Drippy that the insurance bloke wouldn't take the money back and he can't return the money to Shazza (there was a loud argument about pizza choices going on behind me during this scene, so I had to try lipreading). Drippy gets really really cross and says she's not coming back from Posh Slaters until Billy gives the money back or something. Anyway, that's Drippy on sabbatical for a bit.

Speaking of sabbaticals, Moomin is off to India to hone her Powers as the disciple of an ancient Yogi (and his Booboo - aka Robbie). Bye Moomin! Come back when they've found a decent plotline for you, love. I take it she's jacked her hospital assistant's job in. (Mark says: No, the hospital said she could have as much time off as she liked - who would have thought working for the NHS would be such a skive?)

Squeaky is really not listening to Trinny and Susannah's fashion advice, and is wearing a black poloneck sleeveless jobbie that makes her look even dumpier and shows off her BCG scar a treat. She finally gets the gun off Hitman and they both smile secretly and evilly.

Slutty's big day out is at the races with Byrite Andy and his Criminal Friends. She makes Byrite Andy wait while she finishes doing her toenails. Byrite Andy is cross and cancels the lunch. There's some kind of pointless argument about treating ladies with respect (steady on Andy, mate, this is Slutty we're talking about here). Slutty apologises (guests shout: "He's trying to break her spirit!") and they spend the rest of the day drinking champagne under Fool's forlorn little nose. One of my guests confesses to loving Shane Ritchie, which prompts loud, jealous musings on his manliness from the assembled men. Later on Slutty and Byrite snog in broad daylight in the middle of the square (oh very ladylike, Slutters). Byrite suggests that now Slutty is a lady and has discovered that wearing below-the-knee skirts doesn't give you piles, she should give up her job in the pub. Slutty pouts and goes all growly.

TriniDad spends the entire episode smiling the smile of the recently-shagged and saying: "Yeahmannn!" a lot. Bad Brutha looks on, jealously. Where's Juhneen then?

Fill's mood turns from smug to awful after a big row with Kyert. He goes to the pub and has a go at Sham for being a dirty little slut and sleeping with Denman. Shazza bursts in and starts ranting at Fill for beating up her little brother. Everybody stops drinking and watches as Shazza slaps Fill and Fill slaps Shazza back. Boo! Bad Fill! Shazza screams some more and Fill defiles the Holy Name of Den by calling him a cheap loser. So that's it then. War.

Shazza returns home with a picturesque bruise on her cheek. Denman wriggles on the sofa, saying: "Lemme at him! I'll bite his ankles off!" More shouting, and then Denman delivers the killer blow. DeadDen is aliiive!

Curses! I'm off next week....