'TIS PITY SHE'S A WATTS
So there's Den, standing in the shadows with his dodgy leather jacket and his "Hello Princess". Shazza's face turns to pure rubber while Vickney simpers and rubs her back. Den tries to hug Shazza but she goes "Zoicks! A ghost! Run Scoob!" and dashes into the toilets to throw up. Well, I suppose there's no rule of etiquette for meeting up with a previously-thought-dead-parent. Maybe we should ask the Lucans. Vickney chases after Shazz, but Shazz is too busy wiping her make-up off obsessively with an abrasive cloth to worry about Vickney's inane Van-Dykeisms.

Meanwhile, Denman is glowering and twitching methodically on the steps still. O-Den turns around and growls something about this being faaaamily business and he ought to sling 'is 'ook. Denman splutters slightly and takes Vickney with him.

In the cafe, Denman carries on with the psycho glare and makes Vickney cry because she hasn't told O-Den that Denman is his little Denlet. Vickney says: "Cor blimey guvnor, you got me bang to rights 'old it flashbang cor wotta pickcha! He'd be...like...todally freaked out by that, know what I mean?" They shout. Vickney stalks off and Denman glowers some more. Everybody in the caff looks askance and mutters.

The same blokes in suits who were frolicking around last week appear to be on a very long stag weekend involving hanging around in night cafes and wandering the streets of Walford....well it takes all sorts.

The next scene gets the best out of Shazza. Looking more like Miss Piggy than ever, she snots and snivels and cries and shouts about how could he leave his little girl on her own and never call, never write. O-Den looks guilty and tries to explain, but his explanations defy even the logic of EE scriptwriters. They can make women fall at Fill Mitchell's feet, but even EE scriptwriters can't explain how Den managed to get out of the canal, secretly attend his own funeral a year later, and escape to a life in Spain/Russia without even Mad Frankie Knuckles knowing. Shazza has enough and throws him out of the club when he starts joking about the sainted Angie's alcoholism.

Vickney runs back home, where she finds the shattered remains of Shazz and Denman's minute of forbidden passion. She is puzzled. And sad. But at least she doesn't speak again.

O-Den breaks into the Vic using a dodgy lock that hasn't been fixed in 14 years, surviving fire, floods and Fill Mitchell. Shazza follows him and they break into the bar to talk about Ange some more. Shaz mentions her first marriage, but strangely doesn't go into why it broke up - " Yeah, well, I slept with his brother, he tried to kill said brother. I ran off, then he slept with Michelle and got her pregnant and...you know...families...". Instead she has a go about O-Den sleeping with her 16-year-old best mate (about time...) and how she and Dennis don't want a sleazebag like him cluttering up Vickney's sainted existence. O-Den scoffs at the thought of Shazz having such a lump for a boyfriend, but then Shazz says: "He's not my boyfriend, he's your son".

A nation shouts: "But you just shagged him, you lying tart!" O-Den
looks surprised.