THE HIT MAN AND HER
Squeaky keeps watch on Chez Fill from her vantage point close to Loser's Bench. Fill still won't co-operate - even when Kyert forces him to eat horrible Northern food. Squeaky goes off to meet the mystery assassin in the park.

NB: please note that large-racked women shouldn't wear polo necks, particularly cream ones.

Shirley wakes up on the Ferreira sofa. The Little Ferreiras smirk knowingly at Dadvis. Shirley keeps banging on about the poor bloody cat and Evil Neighbour being an Evil Cat-Killing Coldplay fan who probably doesn't even want to MakeTrade Fair. Dadvis goes to talk to Evil Neighbour, who says he found the dead cat in the middle of the road, scooped it up and left it on the doorstep because he didn't know what else to do. I think he's had a haircut to make him look more Eeevil. Anyway, Dadvis believes him, but Shirley starts going: "Noooo...he's an evil Cat-Killing Coldplay fan". Dadvis hides the rabbit hutch and the kettle, just in case.

Drippy is cross about the secret cash, that turns out to be insurance money for the robbery. For some reason he can't put it back. So Drippy gets all self-righteous about being married to a thieving git (well, he is a Mitchell). I still don't know what's going on here.

Ethel 2.0 - still gaga and wants to go "home". Fool hits on the genius solution of putting her in a cab and driving her round and round in circles until she gets all dizzy and thinks that the Queen Vic is home after all. All this Ethel activity distracts him from Slutty, who keeps trying to say: "save me from Byrite Andy! Save me save me save me!" in special Slutty code, but Fool doesn't cotton on. Slutty agrees to go on a day trip to Brighton with Byrite Andy - apparently he's got some "business" with an errant publican, a pair of wellingtons and some concrete or something.

Squeaky meets up with the Hit Man, who first demands £20k, then when he finds out it's Fill, raises the price to £35k. She asks: "Why? Is it because he's got a particularly hard head or what?" Apparently Fill has a bit of a reputation among hitmen. Squeaky scoffs and calls him a big girly scaredy-cat, but Hit Man won't shift.

DJ Ross consults the still-single Scalliq on how to get Teen's knickers off. Scalliq advises him to cook Teen a lovely meal and slip her the "L" word. Kareena tries to save the day by cooking the meal for Scalliq and adding about a ton of chili to put Teen off. But DJ Ross turns on the "I'm a loser baby, so why don't you shag me?" line and tells her he loves her. Teen's knickers fly off. Tsk!

Speaking of knickers, Squeaky invites Hit Man over to her place (where is this luxury flat, and how the hell can she afford it). She has changed into something black and slinky, and offers her rack to Hit Man in return for a discount handgun so she can sort Fill out herself. Hit Man leers as she undoes her frilly blouse. A nation says: "Oh for fuck's sake! What is this? Dynasty??"