SQUEAKINATOR

Ethel 2.0: still mad. Fool continues to make heartwarming, wounded faces. All the slaters harrass Slutty into accepting a date with Byrite Andy. She gives him a big long list of all the food she doesn't fancy and says that he has to think of something good. When she shows up for the date he walks her to a park and gives her some fish and chips and pulls a bottle of champagne from a nearby stinking bog (OK, it's a pond, but still: ewww). Also he has a pub rock covers band hidden behind a shrub (best not to think about where their instruments are plugged in) who plays them cheesy beatles songs while they eat their cold chips. Instead of punching him in the face and walking off, Slutty is amused and has a nice time and later gives Andy a snog outside the pub. Fool sees them and is sad. Again. I am getting very sick of heartwarming vulnerable Fool, I have to say. Just release a "shane ritchie crying" calendar and be done with it.

The insurance money for billy's club "robbery" comes through just before shazz is due to return. Billy is mean to Drippy about money and runs off. Drippy finds a carrier bag full of secret cash in their flat and is shocked and appalled. I don't know what's going on there.

Shirley runs around looking for Boots and in the end finds poor dead Boots in a bin bag outside the flat. So sad. She cries and runs to Dadvis who puts the kettle on - but only to make a cup of tea and not to tip boiling water over evil neighbour man. There is some nonsense about Ash being cagey about a new Eng Lit teaching job he supposedly has. Or does he?

Moomin (who is looking extra moomintroll today with her hair all back off her face) shows up at the hospital and finds that Blonde Victim and his girlf are planning on getting married and have realised that every day is special, blah blah, trite sentiment, etc. She is sad because she knows it is illegal for 12 year olds to wed, and also because it reminds her of Jaymee and it's not fair etc etc. Zzzz. Jim tells her that she has to move on. Moomin goes to the cemetery and says to Jaymee's grave: "I love you a lot but you're dead, so bye". She symbollically gives Ethel 1.0's One Ring of Predestination to blond victim and his child bride (I shout "Nooo! It's Cursed!") and walks off smiling serenely yet tearfully to grab MY Gus from the plot cupboard for some hot lovin'

New Icy Replicant Squeaky shows up for her visit clutching the Talismanic Blue Bunny. Fill glowers at it suspiciously, as though she has concealed a getaway gyrocopter in it or something. He lurks around until Kyert tells him to get lost and then Kyert and Squeaky play with Louise and bond. Squeaky explains how after Fill used his Evil Powers of Soliliquy, she tried to kill herself but couldn't and instead went to stay with that lady in the floral dress who was (handily) a psychotherapist who had a set of bitching hair straighteners and could condition Squeaky into becoming a ruthless killing machine, just like in Nikita (maybe). Ace Detective Kyert pops out to get a pint of milk and when she gets back Squeaky and Louise are gone. Danger Kyert Mitchell!! she phones Fill and they panic and flap around and are just about to phone all the airports when Squeaky returns, having just taken the baybay for a walk. She explains that she left a note and her mobile number and then reads the note to Fill in a really patronising voice, as though he is a small child. Ha ha! I am convinced that this is Squeaky's evil twin and the real Squeaky will show up any second gibbering "but I wuv you, Fill!" She says that she doesn't want custody, just regular access and Fill grudgingly agrees. Later on Squeaky smiles secretly in her hotel room and phones a mate of Mel, drops Steve Owen's name and says she wants a job doing; a "terminal" job!! Dun dun dunnnn! Knowing Eastenders she is just ringing IT support...