DR PERV'S HOUSE OF LURVE
Dr Perv has been on the tiles with TriniDad and Bad Brutha. Even though he can't remember anything that happened - apart from calling himself "Dr Lurve" (aaaaaaaaaaaaaggggh!) to some woman called Cassandra - there are plenty of non-comedy antics involving arranging a date with Cassandra and trying to erase Trixie's (don't ask) phone number from his chest while tending to a woman in casualty. Why he doesn't just raid the speed pills cabinet is beyond me. The patient dies and Dr Perv is sad. Even though we all know he is the world's worst doctor and even budgies die after one look at his stethoscope, everybody seems shocked and appalled.

Fool and Slutty woo each other and it's so boring that I'd rather talk about the return of Pat (cheers).

Bazza tries to get Pat to agree to an out of court settlement over the Battle for the Evans Empire (one badly decorated 3-bed semi and a car lot). But he's Bazza and he fucks up, so Pat sets her earrings on stun and tells him that she's going to fight him all the way. Juhneen makes noises about little Jack's future, and Pat looks concerned. She agrees to talks with Bazz.

The Midwich Cuckoo Twins escape Ian's round-the-clock surveillance and run to bask in Simpleton's pregnant aura for a few seconds. Ian is cross, but then the MW twins stare and stare and stare. Ian feels a bit faint, and phones Sarf Africa. Well, that's a plot development to anticipate, isn't it boys and girls?

Vickney keeps staring at the cheque. Perhaps she's willing an extra zero to appear on the end. Shazza starts doing little secret victory dances.

Scalliq is single, wearing the vilest top imaginable, and so desperate, he even hassles Juhneen. Eventually he tries to get back with Kareena who has been hanging around with Big Brother all day and therefore knocks him back. Scalliq tells Kareena that BB told him to dump her or else. Kareena is troubled.

Zoe thinks Slutty will be upset at her moving out, and then is annoyed when Slutty says it's a good idea and wishes her luck. I think it's a good idea too - Charlie might get to sleep upstairs for the first time in his life.