IT'S MY PARTY AND I'LL POUT IF I WANT TO
It's Independence Day! Woohoo! Over at Weird Family Central, Shazza pours a very pale Vickney a coffee - for fuck's sake , you Blonde Mentalist Pro-Life witch, the last thing a woman in her first trimester needs is caffeine, it tastes like shit and makes you throw up!

Um....OK...start again...

Shazza announces an Independence Day treat for Vickney. Poline - the Square's worst cook ever - is going to cook an Authentic American Meal and they're inviting Spencer to decorate the flat in American flags and stuff. Vickney looks like she's going to throw up again. Denman announces that he's taking Vickney on a "day trip to the country" and Vickney looks shifty. Shazza and Poline spend the day cooking American Food (why not just go to McDonald's?) and talking about how all women want babies - even feckless teenagers who have shown not even the remotest sign of any maternal feeling since they arrived on the scene.

Meanwhile the other teen muppets are preparing for Teen and Kellay's housewarming. Teen loves DJ Ross and Scalliq has got his beady little eyes on Teen. Kareena tries to persuade Scalliq that their love is here to stay, but Scalliq just looks shifty. So Kareena puts on her most Bollywood outfit for the party, and then stands around in the corner shooting hacky looks at all and sundry. Mafia Martin tries to chat her up, but she's having none of it. Scalliq, meanwhile is all over Teen, who leaves the room for a nanosecond, and comes back to find Kellay and DJ Ross snogging. Teen is sad.

Alfie and Slutty eat dinner. Slutty talks about her Slutty past - like he hasn't heard about it from half the men in Walford or something. Alfie looks slightly uncomfortable.

Return of Pat pt 2: Barry offers Pat the derisory sum of £30,000 for a lifetime with Roy. Evil Juhneen persuades Pat to take the money. Pat does, but only after she has delivered a spooky "I've got Roy's love to keep me warm" speech.

Vickney and Denman return late from "the country", and Poline is cross because her ghastly meal is ruined, and she has had to spend hours listen to Shazza bang on about babies and motherhood and what a good idea of hers it was to bribe Vickney to keep the baby. Vickney throws Shazza's "blood money" in her face, and announces that she didn't go to the country, the minx, she went and got an abortion. Cut to Shocked Shazza, then Guilty Poline, then Baffled Backstreet. Doof Doof Doof doof doof dadadada...