YOU ONLY DIE TWICE
LadyDen is the new Manhands. Unless they got some special "claw" model's hands to stand in for LadyDen's while she paints her talons "Murderess Red" in preparation for the night's festivities.

Tony Bennett's club (called "Scarlett's"...pourquoi? j'ai pas...) is opening, and as usual this means that he doesn't bother inviting proper z-list celebrities - not even Abi Titmuss or a couple of lower-ranking Hollyoaks blondes. Instead he gets Big Mo and Pat. You're aiming for the front page of next week's Heat then? JoJo tries to persuade Tony that he needs to concentrate on the tarted-up jailbait demographic, but Tony just pats her on the head and laughs. Byrite gets Quentin to give Pat her severance pay. She uses it to buy everybody in the pub a drink. The Dolescums pick a fight with Poline, and accuse her of grassing them up to the DSS. Poline says that if she had grassed them up, she would have announced the fact in seven foot high neon letters on Arfur's bench. Den and Pat concur, and Rosie has to apologise. Right, so that's that one out of the way then.

Teen's moping about in that ghastly pink coat again. I'm sure there must be a better option in all that unsold stock lying around in her lockup. Sham, Teen and LadyDen all contrive to meet up in various wide-open locations - the most ludicrous being around a burning dustbin on the allotments. There doesn't seem to be an allotment-holder to chase them off his cabbages, either. Anyway, I think the producers are aiming for a Macbeth motif.

My dad was visiting while this was on, and wanted to know what those three women had against O-Den. We told him he didn't want to know.

Poline, meanwhile, is cross that O-Den's builders aren't holding the door open for old ladies with dogs, and produces a doorstop that looks suspiciously like a petrified Betty...oh no, there's Betty, growling at O-Den. Phew! O-Den removes the doorstop and places it on the bar. Now pay attention, because that was an Important Thing to Do, OK?

Important Thing No. 2. O-Den has a hand-held camera stalker moment, and follows a familiar-looking blonde through the market. She turns around, but it's not Shazza. Very Blair Witch or whatever. He disappears mysteriously for a bit, then arrives back in a taxi, clutching a big box. It's a dress for LadyDen, which she decides to wear at the Moment of Truth. Bear with me, it's on it's way, but I've got ten pages of notes to wade through here...

Byrite continues being a total dick to all and sundry. Pat tells him that he's not very popular. Byrite goes: "Nyeaaaaah!". Tony says that he needs to take care of his community and not terrorise the locals. Byrite says: "That's Old Skool Gangstering, daddio! Nowadays we watch The Sopranos, so if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment with my analyst and then I'm going to get me a suicidal one-legged Russian stripper for a goomah." Off he goes to the Park of Contrivance to shout at Curly about this evening's big meeting with Lenny the Lion. He also orders a cake from Ian. This is Important too. Weird, I know. But Important.

Ian delivers the cake, then goes to the Vic, puts on Steppenwolf and air-drums. Sad. He then puts on Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now", but there's no zombie-crushing pool cue action on Undead Den. Pity.

Fool is getting very very cross with Byrite, and keeps whining to Tony, Curly...whoever. Then somebody - I don't know who because my dad wanted to know why the young man in the jumper doesn't just go on an anger management course - tells him to sort out Byrite. Fool goes: "Yeah! Grrr..." and goes to shout at Byrite's locked front door. My dad mutters something about the benefits of meditation and is told to be quiet.

Teen's still moping. Rainman buys her a shiny thing to distract her. Teen breaks down in tears and says she's not worth it. It's only silver, love. Sham turns up to take Teen out for a night on the tiles. Around the corner, then.

Byrite has organised somebody from Totties-R-Us to deliver the Cake of Contrivance to Tony once they have run off with Lenny The Lion's money. Lenny the Lion turns up with a suitcase, and some exchange is made. God knows what they're worried about because Lenny looks like a snooker referee. Byrite, Curly and Quentin are about to run off with the money, but then Fool appears from nowhere going "Arrrrrrraghggggh!" and fights Byrite. Byrite discovers hidden ninja skillz to give Fool a big chinese burn. Fool whinges. Byrite says that he deserves everything he gets because Fool stole the only woman he ever loved away from him. Fool's a bit: "what? Slutty? Oh..." but then Curly pounces on Byrite and goes "Grrrr! Leave him alone!" Byrite and Quentin rush off into the night.

Byrite must be a bit fazed by all this because he doesn't notice that Quentin is going the wrong way to Heathrow. Quentin stops just by the bridge over approach to the Blackwall Tunnel in Westcombe Park, and spends a very long time having a pee. Run Byrite Run! There's a no. 53 bus stop about a hundred yards away!

Tony receives the cake from Totty and says: "oooh cake! My favourite!", shares it with the revellers (including JoJo, who scrubs up quite well), then disappears with Lee in tow.

Meanwhile, at the pub, Poline and O-Den bicker all night. She's wearing jeans. I don't think I've seen Poline in jeans before. Dot tries to keep the peace, but they're having none of it. Poline gets O-Den to confess that Shazza's the only love of his life and pities LadyDen. O-Den persuades Poline to tell Shazz that he's sorry the next time she calls. Exit Poline. Martin shows her his bum.

While O-Den's locking up, LadyDen has gathered the rest of the witches, puts Lisa Stansfield on the jukebox, and they're ready for him. He rounds the corner of the bar (handy things, L-shaped pubs), works out what has gone on in a trice, and sighs wearily. They all get their say, and O-Den gets some lovely responses.

O-Den: "Actually, none of this is about you, LadyDen..."
LadyDen: "Ummm...hello? Who's the wife here?"
Sham: "You took my pub, you demon!"
O-Den: "Oh, come off it. You're so stupid somebody else would have taken it off you soon enough, so it might as well have been me."
Teen: "I lost my baybay..."
O-Den: "You wanted to keep my son, remember? I suggested a way out. You went for it. I mean, it's not exactly rape, is it?"
Teen's not much use at all here, and snivels for the rest of the scene.
O-Den: "Look, you're all severely damaged weirdos. I played a Mephistophelean blinder here and gave you all what you thought you wanted, and now you blame me...ha! Stupid witches! And no, I'm not signing your stupid contract either. I don't care who knows I'm evil bwahahahaha! By the way, did you know that LadyDen was in on the whole Marcus scam? And we're still shagging. She's not called LadyDen for nothing you know."
LadyDen realises that it's time to play her trump card and out of the shadows walks...

SHAZZA!!!

And her jaw is working overtime.

Now that, my friends, is what is called crap timing. Either Shazza's been hiding under the optics all night or she's just walked in. Not sure which, but she's heard enough. She's hurt because she thought LadyDen was her friend, and that even O-Den wouldn't stoop as low as shagging Manhands.

OK, OK, we'll give Shazz a moment to fix her jaw while back to Charlton we go.

Tony and Lee appear at Byrite's car door and ask him to step outside. Quentin stands and smirks a bit. Tony says: "Let's walk over this lovely bridge and admire the view." Byrite looks over towards the Dome. Tony's arm pushes and over Byrite goes, straight onto the A2. Ahhh...that's why there's always a traffic jam on that particular stretch of road. The tarmac is littered with the remains of offed gangsters. I suppose he might have been saved by landing a passing lorry full of cat litter, but...bye bye anyway Byrite.

Ready? Back we to Walford, then. Shazz storms out and O-Den follows her. Shazz says she really has had enough this time because even LadyDen's lying to her now - she said that O-Den was ill to get Shazz to come over. Shazz has no father...yadda, and now she's off to find Denman. O-Den returns to the pub and rushes for LadyDen's throat. Sham squeals and they try to fight him off. Teen picks up the doggy doorstop and brings it crashing down on O-Den's head. O-Den falls. Sham squeals again. LadyDen glares at Teen and says: "You just killed my husband!". Brilliant. Teen's busy looking for her bracelet. Sham pulls her away and they go to look for a few binliners to dispose of O-Den's body. LadyDen stays with him and I think she's about to go through his pockets when O-Den does a Freddy Kreuger/Jason and revives long enough to grab LadyDen and threaten to take her to hell with him. LadyDen grabs the doggy doorstop and finishes him off, watched by Sham. Teen bursts through the doors a few seconds later, full of apologies, which LadyDen accepts. Sham looks askance and the credits roll...