THE WITCHES OF EAST-20-WICK
By Mark...not me...
O-Den has sat up all night staring grimly out of the window, contemplating a future of panto and double-glazing ads, and also the death of his unborn child. He asks LadyDen what happened and she explains that they went into a tapas restaurant in Soho and Teen took a funny turn. Don't blame tapas. Tapas would never willingly hurt us. LadyDen does a great job of acting all concerned and then pulling hacky faces the second she turns her back. O-Den goes to see Teen and grills her to see if her story matches up with LadyDen's (the rest of the Slaters were told off camera, mercifully). He says that she shouldn't trust LadyDen as she always takes it out on O-den's bitches, but not on O-Den himself. He says that if Teen had an abortion she will rot in hell forever. Teen is sad and Charlie comforts her. O-Den goes home and sits in his room, staring at a picture of himself with Shazza and Vickney.

LadyDen goes downstairs and hears the sound of glass breaking. She finds Sham behind the bar throwing glasses around and generally going mental. Sham accuses LadyDen of stealing the pub and hiring her so she can laugh at her every day. Sham grabs LadyDen's curly locks and starts pulling her around. FITE! FITE! LadyDen gets the upper hand and throws Sham into the pile of broken glass. Ouch. She tells Sham to calm down and explains that it's all O-Den's fault and that Sham can help LadyDen plot against him. She says she will explain all later and that Sham has to use her
braincell for once and play it cool. Sham reluctantly agrees.

DC Lucy teases Dumber for being a wuss and having alcohol poisoning. The cut/bruising on his forehead has completely disappeared, btw. Ian asks Jane round
for a Valentine Meal and says he has something important to ask. Poline says that she bets Ian is going to propose but it turns out he just asks her to move in. She agrees.

It is Jim and Dot's anniversary. Moomin thinks that Jim hasn't got a nice present for Dot but he buys an old gramophone and sets up a disco for two in the
community centre. TriniDad is DJ-ing, hasn't he got anything better to do on Valentines Day?

There is some malarkey going on with Tony Bennet, Byrite, Quentin and Lee that I don't really follow, as I had to go into the kitchen at a crucial moment. There is a new, tuff, criminal ruffian heading to Walford. Tony wants Byrite and Lee to help him in a deal but is not paying Byrite enough. Lee has to lie to Curly. The club is reopening soon. Pat warns people about other people and so on. Arrange those sentences in any order to get another generic gangster plot. Actually, I don't care how lame this plot is if it means curtains for Byrite.

Byrite sees Tony chatting to Fool and looks jealous. Later on he goes over and says he is going to charge Fool 20% of his income for protection (£1.50 a day then?). He is all "It would be a shame if something happened to your incredibly cheap shoddy stock" whilst dropping £1-shop type picture frame on the floor. Fool just rolls his eyes.

Sham and LadyDen go to Losers Bench to talk. I can't think of a better place for a private conversation, except for ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE WORLD. LadyDen is saying that she has plans in motion to take everything from O-Den and that Sham just has to wait and hang in there. Sham: "Why should I trust you, etc." Meanwhile at home, Teen is driven to distraction by the sound of CBF crying in the other room. She goes out for a walk and stumbles across LadyDen and Sham. LadyDen tries to send Teen home and says she will talk to her later. Teen starts ranting that LadyDen made her have an
abortion and talked her into it when she should have been talking her out of it. Sham; "What the hell is going on?" LadyDen snaps and says "Of course I talked you into it! You shagged my husband and were carrying his child! Duhhh!" Sham and Teen both say that LadyDen is an evil scheming bitch. LadyDen "But enough about me! We shouldn't fight each other, we should team up and wreak revenge on O-Den!" The other two walk away, leaving LadyDen rolling her eyes and making mad faces.