Three is the magic number
Sham goes to see Teen and says that unless she talks to her and
LadyDen, she will go and tell the rest of the Slaters about her
Abortion Shame. Teen, go and talk to her for all our sakes! Teen heeds
our prayers and the Heroic Trio meet in the Park of Contemplation.
LadyDen has got some more Special Legal Papers from Amanda Exposition
and her and Sham talk about getting the pub back and stealing all
O-Den's money. Teen is disgusted that they just care about money and
stomps off.
Teen's stall has been trashed. Tony Bennet offers to help Mo sort it
out and flirts with Pat some more. Byrite sidles up to Fool and tells
him that Martin's stall will be next if he doesn't pay up. Fool goes
round to the bookies and says to Byrite "Why are you doing this to
me?" Byrite says something like "that's what your wife used to say
when I was shagging her and trying to fool myself that I wasn't a big
gay!" Fool attacks him and Quentin holds him back - he must have
picked up some martial arts skillz on the set of Kill Bill. Later on,
Fool pays some money to Byrite but says he has a plan. Pat lurks
around and makes her special "concerned" face. She tries to do her
Jiminy Cricket conscience routine with Byrite but he calls her a
"painted old trollope", grabs her face and threatens her. Tony Bennet
is going to kick your ass now, Byrite. He sacks her and puts her
severance pay in Pat's ample cleavage. Pat turns into Nomi from
Showgirls, says that she doesn't sell herself any more, returns the
money and walks off, all dignified etc.
More nonsense about the incomprehensible gangster plot. Tony Bennet
and Byrite argue when Tony Bennet changes the date. Byrite whines that
Tony hasn't kept him "in the loop". That's what he just did when he
told you, cretin. Byrite recruits Curly and says that they will mess
up the job on purpose to make Tony Bennet look bad. Tony might have
discovered that Byrite was responsible for the market stall trashing
too, I can't remember. BTW, I was chatting to someone at work and he
actually said that he liked all the gangster storylines
PantoJane says that she shouldn't move in while Devil Child Lucy hates
her - very wise, unless you want to start vomiting live snakes or
something. Her hair is almost a mullet – sort that shit out, Jane.
Poline talks to the hellspawn and Lucy admits that she is traumatised
by all the over-melodramatic plotlines Ian had with his previous
women. Jane tells them she won't move in but then Lucy changes her
mind after all. Whatever.
O-Den ("O" standing for "old and tired looking" today) takes LadyDen
to visit Angies grave. LadyDen asks why Angie turned to drink and
mentalism. O-Den says "Hmmm, she was fine when she married me, but
then got worse and worse. I can't think why". A light bulb goes over
LadyDen's head. He asks her to have his baybays and she says "I don't
think so!" She says she will never end up like Angie, even though her
mad hair is half way there already.
Dole Skum Keef has his benefits medical and fails. Ha ha! Rosie Klebb
thinks that Poline grassed her up to the Social and they have a
"dramatic confrontation" in the Vic. Rosie shrieks that Poline is a
grass and Poline points out that she has better things to do and that
Keef is not a patch on her dead embezzling husband anyway. Rosie
throws a drink in Poline's face and there is a confused fight between
Martin, Poline, Rosie, Keef and Mickney (sadly we do not get to see
Poline punch Rosie in the face) until O-Den vaults over the bar (I bet
they needed Crouching Tiger type wirework to get his old carcass
airborne) to separate them and chuck them out.
The Ferrieras are back. While they were away they seem to have spent
the whole time playing with each other's hair. DJ Ross now has a weird
bowl cut and Adull has a severe 80's style spikey do. Tony Bennet
invests in their cab business as it will make his new club more
attractive or something.
Teen mopes around and tells Fool that she wishes her mum was there.
Fool says that Teen is stronger than she thinks and should try
thinking "What Would Slutty Do?" Teen stares at herself in a mirror
for a bit and then puts on some clownish red lipstick ("Moxie" by
Boots No 7) and stomps off to confront O-Den. He is not there, so
LadyDen and Sham grab her and they have a secret meeting in the
bathroom. Teen explains the sorry tale of the Phantom Pregnancy/Denman
debacle to LadyDen, while LadyDen flinches and makes dramatic faces.
They decide that everything in the whole world is O-Den's fault and
talk about what they are going to do. Teen suggests hiring a hitman.
Crikey! Steady on, love. Sham and LadyDen laugh at her girlish
naivety. They try to think of a way to make him feel really bad but
can't think of anything as apparently "he hasn't got a heart". They
hum and hah for a bit and then LadyDen says she has thought of just
the thing. Vickney's head in a box a la Se7en? Digging up Angie's
withered corpse and propping it up behind the bar? Tune in to Fri's
hour long special (bad luck with the "hour long" part Sarah, though at
least it should be exciting) to find out!!
