KIDNEY PLOT: NOW IN RECORD-BREAKING 196TH WEEK!

It is Ian's birthday and for some reason he is dressed as Dennis the Menace. Mr No-mates only gets one card (from Kaffy) and Simpleton stops by to mock him. Ian and Kyert bicker about drains or something. It looks like romance is in the air, as well as the stench of sewage! Simpleton goes to her lawyers and starts filling in forms to make Ian pay child support. The lawyer points out that Ian may then have access rights to Bobby and Simpleton goes through her entire range of demented faces and says "No! Never!" Ian and Simpleton exchange more unpleasantries and it ends up with him alone in the chippy and Simpleton sobbing and gibbering to Bobby in Pat's flat.

Kyert gets a rambling drunken phonecall from her Alco-Pop dad. Fool worries about Ethel 2.0, all alone on the mean streets of Eastbourne. Backstreet continues to be entranced by Teen's bootyliciousness so Fool and Slutty discuss whether Teen should move back home - maybe the laundry bills are mounting up or something. Fool is trying to hide the fact that it is his 40th coming up but Slutty already knows and is planning a big partay.

Mickey, Backstreet and Julio are planning another poker game and agree to have it at Vickney's as long as she can join in too. She goes round to see Ash and coquettishly asks him to give her gambling advice. At some point they mysteriously teleport over to Vickneys where he is "teaching her" and then the others all arrive. They start playing cards while Ash watches and tries to ignore the monkey on his back squeaking "play cards! play cards!" He gets flop sweats/starts jonesing real bad/retraces his twelve steps etc etc and generally acts tempted but leaves before he picks up a card. Vickney wins.

Kareena tries to get Adull to sign a thank you card for Scalliq but he is still being a hateful bitch. DJ Ross is just as bad and makes gurny faces and turns up his discman whenever anyone mentions Scalliq's name. Maybe "Ferriera" is Portugese for "ungrateful bastard" or something. Scalliq has got a tiny square plaster stuck to each end of his collarbone. What's that all about? Some coppers come round with pictures of ruffians to ID so DJ Ross finally has to speak to Scalliq and beg him not to speak to the fuzz, in case they get involved in more violence or something. Scalliq says "wow, I am overwhelmed with gratitude for giving you my kidney, not." Oh goody, another long boring conversation. To summarise: Ross: "I don't care that you gave you gave me a kidney, I still hate you." Scalliq: "I love you anyway." Ross" Oh, actually I do like you after all." Later on, fucking fuckface Adull shows up and starts gibbering on, Peter Lorre stylee, about how Ash and Kareena want them to be friends with Scalliq but he will always hate Scalliq and he wants to form a special "We hate Scalliq" club with himself as Hon Treasurer and DJ Ross as the President. DJ Ross says "I am required by the script to like Scalliq in this episode." Adull makes tortured faces as his pitiful, bitter little world falls apart at the news.