SHOCK THE MONKEY
Vickney is the monkey on Ash's back. She wins again on the horses and tries to persuade Ash to go to a casino with her. Ash joneses almost immediately and says yes.

Meanwhile Kareena cleans up Scalliq's squalid bedsit and seems surprised that a single man could live in such squalor (Mr P looked at her scraping a dirty plate and said that it wasn't that bad because she could actually shift the baked beans and they weren't green). She feels all guilty about Scalliq and whines at Ash a little, then calls him the bestest big brother in the world, ever, who would never let her down by going out on a high-rolling bender with an implausibly accented mall rat like Vickney. Ash looks "thoughtful" and cancels his date with Vickney and the roulette wheel. V...sad...yadda.

Ian and Kyert banter about drains, but Kyert's still worrying about her dad and trying desperately not to be co-dependent. Ian tells Pat to clean the windows. Pat, forgetting that she was sacked only a few days ago, mutters about job descriptions to anybody that will listen. Kyert gets the news that her dad killed himself and shouts at Ian.

Slutty's birthday preparations for Fool are thwarted by Fool, who throws a weird stroppy hissy fit about being 40. Slutty reads him an article from She magazine, and he feels better. There's some non-comedy nonsense about Fool's birthday cake (a big 40 made by Ian) and Pat's window cleaning efforts...

St Nancy Banks-Smith notes how Fool's Xmas wooing story about a lovely old couple on Southend pier comes around to bite him after he admits to Slutty that he made them up. Ethel 2.0 returns from Eastbourne with Tink from Lovejoy in tow. And they're going to get married! Oh for fuck's sake. Can't we go five minutes without a bloody wedding?