NOT WITHOUT MY KIDNEY: PT MCMXXIV
How long, oh lord, how long? OK, the latest in the Ferreira kidney plot saga. Ash and Kareena decide to adopt Scalliq and move him into Dadvis's bedroom while he convalesces - Party of Five, anyone? Except that Adull finds out and goes off to tell Scalliq that "Dadvis wouldn't stand for it and neither will I". Scalliq is all "What do you care? All Dadvis does is kick the shit out of you and treat you like his bitch. And you let him". Thank you Scalliq. Adull is sad and runs home to ask Ash if he really is Dadvis's bitch. Ash looks at the floor and says: "well...ummm..." Adull breaks down in tears and admits that yes, he is Dadvis's bitch and the reason why Dadvis hates him is because he found out about Scalliq. So Dadvis hurting him is all Scalliq's fault. Hmm...I can see why they call Ash the brainy one.

So, onto Ash's slightly more interesting gambling problem. Vickney ups the ante, waving fivers under his nose and asking him his opinion on the 3.30 at Wincanton. Ash has Gambler Tourette's Syndrome again, shows her how to read racing form, then runs off to scrub himself clean with sharpened birch twigs under a boiling hot shower. Vickney makes him watch the race with her, and his tip loses. Ash uses the occasion to teach Vickney about the Evils of Gambling. I don't think it works, but losing on the horses makes Vickney horny. Ash runs away. I did say it was only slightly more interesting.

Fool's birthday preparations continue with a comedy balloon delivery. MY Gus, Mickney and Julio all play with the helium gas, but nobody notices when Mickney speaks. Fool sees Ethel 2.0 off on the bus to Eastbourne/Gomorrah, and there's some non-comedy nonsense involving old ladies and mobile phones.

Kyert's Victorian Dad wants her to move back up to Byker Grove and look after him.

Backstreet develops some backbone after overhearing Teen and Kellay call him a mug. He plays Motörhead's Ace of Spades outside her room (always a good standby for pissing off the neighbours - another one is Planet of Sound by The Pixies); then he pours her designer shampoo down the toilet, uses all the hot water and nicks money out of her purse. Like a proper little brother. Slutty is happy that he and Teen are now screaming at each other instead of flirting. After all, there's enough creepy crypto incest going on around them as it is.