SCALLIQ DOESN'T LIVE HERE ANY MORE
I missed the first ten minutes because my dad was there and I had to explain the whole Easties blogspot concept to him, with added Dad-like interruptions (the usual: "haven't you got anything better to do", "bloody saddoes", "who's this Mark person?", "give me the baby" etc)

Anyway, according to the official site, Ian orders Vickney to tidy up Weird Family Central 'cos it looks like a teenager has been left to her own devices by her siblings who find her so tiresome they end up shagging each other to stop talking about how irrating she is. In Tenerife.

Charlie has to serve an extra two weeks in prison. Slutty tracks down Piers the solicitor who, in true EE fashion, seems to conduct business in a local cafe rather than in a proper office. He's staying then. Piers explains - speaking very slowly and using pictures, no doubt - that Charlie is fucked whatever he does. Slutty relays this message back to Sullen and Mo, and they agree to getting Charlie to abandon his battle with Eevil Rapist Extortionist Graham.

Ethel 2.0 tries to get Tink and Fool talking. She even supplies them with a list of conversation topics, but it fails (on so many levels too). Tink and Fool discover that getting annoyed with Ethel is the one thing they have in common. Well, them and the rest of the known universe.

Nat and Bad Brutha make arrangements in their empty lovenest (not even a DSS family in sight - this is the only loss-making B&B in East London, I swear). Juhneen stares at the solicitors letter and stomps about wickedly. Pat appears, and asks if she can snoop around the house in remembrance of Roy, the anniversary of whose death it is. Really it's a Clever Ruse to get into Juhneen's secret things. Oh no, she really does want to remember Roy by snooping around the house. Juhneen can't bear to listen to Pat's witterings about Barry, Roy, happy days, affairs with Fur-wank etc, and disappears to sell a few cars. Pat snoops around, finds Barry's diary ("Sold a car today. Yay for me!", "I really love Nat", "I really hate Nat", "I hate Pat", "I hate Juhneen", "I love Juhneen", "Baz 4 Juhneen 4ever SWALK", "I still hate Pat") and reads it for a bit. The diary gets boring after...oooh...two minutes, and she snoops some more. And that's when she finds The Bracelet of Doom. You remember, the one that says "Bad Brutha loves Juhneen and we're going to kill Baz and take all his money. Bwahahaaha!". Juhneen returns. Pat steals the bracelet because it's evidence and the scriptwriters need it to hasten Juhneen's inevitable comeuppance and transfer to a) The Bill (yawn); or b) Bad Girls (please God yes!).

DJ Ross moans at Adull about not having Scalliq around and indicates that Dadvis is gone for good (like we didn't know that already - pity, my dad wanted to see how much he did look like him). Adull capitulates like the spineless bitch he is, and invites Scalliq and Kareena home. Ash escapes the misery by hanging out with Vickney, who tempts him back into the betting shop. They win lots of money and Ash acts like he's on an overdose of happy pills. Vickney invites him back to Weird Family Central so that she can shag him in Shazza's bed. Shazza and Denman return to find her ripping Ash's clothes off. They are shocked. Shocked!

Kyert returns from AlcoPop's funeral to an empty home and Ian badgering her to talk about her loss. I'm surprised she's not on the next train out of Kings Cross, really.