LAME-O PLOTS: THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING
Scalliq and DJ Ross are wheeled into surgery, trailed by weeping, grateful Ferreira Kidz. Adull discovers that Ash promised Scalliq that the Kidz would look after him after the operation, and he starts bitching again. OK, remind me never to do this man a favour. Anyway, he somehow comes round to Ash's way of thinking by the end of the operation and everything's fine. Yay! Now can we move on? If Ethel 2.0's miracle recovery from MAJOR BRAIN SURGERY is to be believed, Scalliq and DJ Ross probably be running around the square with big Elastoplasts on their backs before the week is out.

Juhneen dyes her hair an especially eevil shade of Ice Queen blonde and taunts Bad Brutha some more about Nat. Bad Brutha decides to tell Nat the truth (oh boy). He gets about as far as admitting he forced Baz to go to Scotland, but somehow misses out the whole shagging Juhneen and evil-plot-to-get-Baz's-vast-fortune bit. Nat says she loves BB(eh? after one drunken snog on V Day?) and wants to "leave the past behind her" and "start afresh". Always two phrases that spell imminent doom in any soap relationship. I give it a month.

Simpleton is reduced to asking Kyert for a job. Ian sneers. Simpleton endures the sneering until he declares to the Midwich Twins: "One day, all this will be yours. This, and a sandwich making empire that stretches as far as Purfleet, my children". No mention of DC Steven, by the way. Anyway, Simpers calls her lawyer to ensure that Little Bobby finds out exactly who his dad is and gets to claim his slice of the Bealemeister's pie. Hang on, I thought she was broke? How is she going to pay for this?

Mo is still stuffing herself with crisps and mainlining lard in order to be as fat as possible at the Thinly Disguised Weight Watchers weigh-in. Juley tells MY Gus to make Mo fall in love with him because that's how you lose weight, innit? MY Gus runs off, screaming. I decided to cook a pie for my mother-in-law's weekend visit at this point, but anyway Mo only puts on 2 kilos in the weigh-in, and Ethel wins enough money to go to Eastbourne - Gomorrah of the South, without having to ask Fool for the money. Oooh...this will end in tears.

Speaking of Fool, the Moons are back from the plot cupboard with some lameness about Fool's impending 40th birthday and how he doesn't want people to know his age etc etc. Slutty is going to plan a big surprise party with special "Happy Birthday Grandad" balloons and they'll probably get divorced.