MORE MUPPET HOGMANAY HOGWASH
Well, they're still on this mysterious moor in the middle of nowhere, with no functioning mobile phones. This is because there is no mobile phone mast north of Manchester and despite being responsible for many of the technological innovations that form the foundations of the modern world, including the telephone, EE scriptwriters think that Scottish people communicate using two bottles of whisky tied together with string. Tsk!

Backstreet notices that Wellard is doing his Lassie act and alerts the other muppets to Scalliq's imminent doom. DJ Ross goes: "Nooooooooo! Hang on my love! I'm coming to get you!!", but Mickey Finhead pushes Backstreet out of the way and rescues Scalliq from the exploding minibus while DJ Ross flaps. Prat. Everybody (apart from Teen, whose leg is still broken) stands around shouting at Scalliq, who storms off in a hissy huffy fit. DJ Ross, Mickey and Kareena go running after him. MY Gus suggests that they split up, Scooby-style, and blunder around in the dark, freezing wilderness for an hour or two to allow Backstreet to moan about the abortion and his general uselessness to Vickney. Muh-Martin is all Mr Survival, and everybody hates Scalliq.

MY Gus's idea also allows Teen and Kellay to be alone together for the almost-inevitable lezzer storyline. Yeah, that's exactly what you do when you're sitting on a freezing cold Scottish hillside with a broken leg and only a cheap leather jacket protecting you against the rain - you think: "oooh...with those blue lips and hypothermic shiverings, Kellay, you're beautiful. Come here you little minx, you know you want to."

Well, I suppose it's one way of keeping warm...

Meanwhile back at Hotel McPosh, Bazza is "philosophical" about his impending marriage to Juhneen, while Bad Brutha just looks shifty. While Bazza is busy bribing a ponytailed Scottish stereotype into being the second witness, Bad Brutha sneaks upstairs to confess his undying love for Juhneen and try to whisk her off to the bright lights of Edinburgh, away from Bazza and...all this.

Oh. My. God. What has Juhneen done to her hair? It's a kind of Curly Sue meets Violet Elizabeth Bott with a tiara and all. But the dress is quite nice. Apart from the spaghetti straps. She bursts into tears when BB confesses his deep love, but after much faffing about, decides to go through with the wedding to Bazza because he's going to die anyway and then she can have Bad Brutha as well as the nastily-decorated house and the portakabin.

Bazz's wedding plans are comedy platinum. Not only does he play to a room-full of empty chairs, a registrar and a pony-tailed Scots stereotype, but the entire wedding party has to listen to Bazza's careful little homily about obscure Latin family mottoes (that sound wrong to my ears), not caring any more if people take the piss out of him for marrying a scheming ex-ho AND THEN he makes Bad Brutha read a Bazz-penned poem about Santa not having to give him wellies and tellies because he's got Juhneen, who's better than jelly.

Just to make sure Bazz doesn't hang around too long, Jelly Juhneen gets him to carry her up several flights of stairs, reveals her red slinky nightie and intention to shag him to within an inch of his life. Bazz calls up Doktor Boden-Shirt to check that he can actually be shagged and discovers that he's not going to die after all. Hurrah! says Bazz, hugging Juhneen to his hairy man-breasts. Juhneen's face is just...sheer poetry.

Scalliq emerges from the bushes to join Mickey Finhead - who, using his survival skills learned at Cockney SAS College, has built a little shelter for Kareena and DJ Ross. We're all set up for Scalliq's Big Revelation tomorrow then.

Wellard smells the impending lezzer storyline a mile off, and scampers off to find MY Gus, who is wandering around Scotland in mid-winter with no jacket. That dog must be missing the intellectual challenge of Robbie by now.

So place your bets everyone: who dies?