THE CLAP CLINIC AND THE MINIBUS OF DOOM
If this episode were sponsored by a DIY product, it would be Polyfilla. I actually found updating my Palm V's address book more interesting than this.

Drippy has an appointment at the clap clinic to get tested for various nasty diseases, but she doesn't want to tell Billy just in case he starts thinking she's a slut again. She tries to get Kyert No-Myerts to come with her, but Kyert is busy getting ready to leave town. But Billy has sobered up after the Xmas madness and decided to be sensitive and caring and supportive. They go to the clap clinic, and he buys her a special pizza for being a Brave Drippy.

Juhneen hears a "You're not quite worm food yet mate" message from Doktor Boden-Shirt and demands the truth Barry, the truth. Bazza tells her that he's dying (no you're not, pillock), so they might as well not bother getting married. Juhneen looks so shocked, you almost think she cares for about half a second. She has a crisis meeting with Bad Brutha in the car lot, and tells him that she hasn't been Bazza's love slave all this time for nothing, and there'll be a ring on her finger and a nastily-decorated three-bed semi in her name by the end of January, or her name isn't Juhneen The Ho. Bad Brutha gives her a weird handcuff-shaped bracelet with "Bad Brutha 4 Juhneen 4EVA XXX" written on it. How subtle.

The Slaters (minus Slutty - who is still in Margate admiring Youngish British Art) discover AGarry in their kitchen and shout a lot. Sullen's hair has shrunk overnight, and she shouts back that she loves AGarry and she's going to have his baybay despite not even showing a trace of morning sickness, extreme tiredness or bloating (lucky cow). Led by Drippy, the Slaters change their tune and welcome AGarry back into the fold. OK, I'm bored already. When and how is Sullen leaving, eh? eh?

Simpleton doesn't seem all that upset about AGarry and Sullen (well, would you?), especially when AGarry tells her that last week's surprise revelations were the work of the Bealemeister. To the chip shop, Simpers! Lots of veiled threats and dullness, but at least the Bealemeister is back and getting funky with his bad self.

Juhneen sends Bad Brutha out to Loser's Bench to get Bazza drunk and tell him to marry Juhneen. BB tries his best, but Bazza gets the wrong end of the stick and tells Juhneen that he's "setting her free" because he can't stand the idea of Juhneen facing broken-hearted widowhood. Juhneen shakes her fist at his retreating, sobbing back and goes "grrr". Then she spies a brochure for romantic elopement breaks in Scotland and smiles evilly. Oh for fuck's sake, another wedding? All she has to do is get him to change his bloody will...

Kyert's handing over the keys to SophistiKyert's Nail Bar and Detective Agency, but Sham and Araminta gloat a little too much for Kyert's liking, and she has a last-minute change of mind. Go Kyert! Oh...right, ok...Stay Kyert! Sham pouts blondely and Araminta looks "troubled".

Muppets in Haggis Country build-up, part XI. Martin's worried about Mickey Finhead's minibus, but not so worried that he accepts Scalliq's offer of the Scooby Doo Mystery Machine - with added boys-only double bed and a selection of scanty leather outfits. DJ Ross still indicates that it's still ova between him and Scalliq, and Mickey Finhead turns up in a deathbox on wheels. Kareena and Finhead snog in the street. Scalliq is sad.