FOOL IN CHAINS
Adull checks himself out in the mirror - a giant guitar shaped bruise is vaguely visible beneath his luxuriant chest rug. He wanders round all day flinching and sucking in his breath. When Kareena finds out she runs round and begs Ash to come home before Dadvis goes even more crazy mad nutcase and buries them all alive in a giant blue suede shoe or whatever. Ash suggests they call the police but Adull and Kareena says "oh no, we must drag this storyline out as long as possible." Ash agrees, dumps Shirley and goes home. Dadvis smiles the most hateful, evil smile ever.

Simpleton gets her final divorce papers through and spends the day wandering round insulting Ian for being sad and alone. A-Garrry tries to arrange it so he can go to the stag do with Sullen while Simpers babysits but she ropes in Pat to help and turns up at the party. AG and Sullen slope off to have a quick knee-trembler and Ian spots them and smiles his evil Bealemeister smile.

Poline finds Pike burning the contents of his Box of Memories. Pike cries a lot because being gay is all tragic and shit, even in 2003.

Scalliq can't get tickets for the "Naked Men Only" party he wanted to take DJ Ross to. DJ Ross is disgusted at his poor organisational skills and decides to go on the Teen Muppet Och Aye the Noo Scottish Adventure instead. Scalliq is devatated as New Years Eve is the best night of the year for making passes at paralytically drunk straight boys. Not that I know from personal experience or anything. No really.

The Watts all sit around at home moaning and getting on my nerves. In the end O-Den says they are allowed to go out for a drink so they all troop off to the Vic. O-Den goes behind the bar and serves himself, the little tinker. Poline shows up and they exchange unpleasantries. Denman runs off, makes Kyert scared with tales of all the bad things that Fill will do to her and then invites her to stay with them so he can "keep an eye on her". Is that what the young people are calling it nowadays? Kyert eventually agrees and shows up round the Watts house.

Sweaty Lawyer tells Fool that he can collect his decree thingy on Xmas Eve but that he has to get there before midday. Fool and Slutty bin off thei rrespective stag/hen nights of horror and decide to go to the Indian and have a drinking/eating vindaloo competition instead. Who knew that Slutty was actually a rugby player. They laugh and carry on a lot and then go home pissed. Teen pops up from the hen night long enough to give Slutty some fluffy handcuffs so Slutty decides to handcuff Fool to the bed - yes, that's a great idea especially as he has been on the piss and eating curry all night. Will he ever make it to collect his decree on time etc etc zzzz.