WITLESS PROTECTION PROGRAM
Everyone is aflutter with news of Fill's daring jailbreak. DCI Marsden descends on the Square with her new feathered hair-don't and a posse of square jawed, pretty boy cops. Apparently he is bound to return to Walford as Fill doesn't know anything else. So pitiful. They interview Blonde Avenger Sham, Billy and Minty and don't get anywhere. One cop questions Kyert and she acts all hard-boiled and tries to tell him his job. Listen missy, you're the one who wanted to be a manicurist so don't start...

Drippy is still the Flinchiest Barmaid in Walford, but her and Billy seem to be getting on better. Fool continues to shout at Loser Lawyer over the phone. They have the rehearsal thing and Slutty incorrectly states that "nothing can go wrong".

The Natural Order of the World is disrupted when Pike makes Martin watch the stall so he can run off on a personal errand. He lurks around and spies on Manfaced Daughter whilst pathetically clutching his Box of Memories.

Baz has a funny turn whilst jogging and goes to see Doktor Boden-Shirt. The doktor says that he is a fat fucking waste of space ("genetically predisposed to heart failure") and that he has to look after himself. When Baz tells Juhneen she instantly runs off to get him some cans of beer and deep fried sugar and lard pies. Juhneen is wearing a pastel pink jumper that a) is not remotely eeevill, and b) does nothing for her complexion.

Pat (Yo! Pat!) decides to move into Gavin's old flat. she feels bad deserting Simpleton but Simpleton says she doesn't mind as she is going to have a proper family xmas with A-Garrry and the baybay. Meanwhile A_G is running around behind her back trying to plot to move back in with ol' Sullen.

Shirley goes round to try and talk some sense into Dadvis. Dadvis throws her out of the house. Later on they run into each other by the caff and Shirley gets her bitch on, calls Dadvis a pathetic loser, says she is glad she ended up with Ash, explains how tragic Dadvis' Elvis fixation is, says he is going to fuck up his other kids, etc etc. Yowsa Shirley! You go with your bad self! Dadvis goes home and is mean to Adull. Adull tries to placate him with his xmas gift (a verrry nasty geetar-shaped lamp) but Dadvis dashes the ugly lamp to the ground and advances menacingly on Adull. I am guessing it is...stop! hammer time! (not that domestic violence is funny or anything, even when it is Adull getting beaten up).

Most of the rest of the action takes place at Wierd Family Central. Poor old shazza spends half the episode squealing like a fishwife for the Dens to tell her what is going on and why her and Vickney have to go into hiding or whatever. O-den pops out and pays Byrite Andy some money to protect his little princesses. When they finally tell Shazza about the fit up robbery blah blah blah she goes into overacting overdrive, rolls her eyes around glassily and weeps a single, perfectly formed tear. She accuses the Dens of being "judge, jury and executioner" (executioner? I wish...) and says they are as bad as Fill. (O-Den is perturbed to hear this shocking psychological insight). O-Den says he did it because Fill smacked her a while back and that no-one puts Shazza in the corner. Shazza is shocked and appalled and starts going on about how he has doomed them all to die horribly at Fill's chubby pink hands. Jesus Shazza, take a pill or switch to decaf or something...