KYERT JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH HERSELF
Life is just one long round of taunting for poor old Kyert at the moment. Ever since Fill got nicked and MiniFill went to live with Squeaky, the only people not taunting Kyert mercilessly are the Wattses, in particular Denman. Despite having a nail bar to run, Kyert spends the day wandering around various Mitchell haunts, running into taunting Mitchells, being so depressed that she doesn’t laugh at Lady Copper Marsden’s godawful peroxide job. Only Denman, still tousled, seems to feel her pain – which is useful because Kyert has begun to suspect that Fill was fitted up. Well duh…Mrs Ex-Copper.

Denman and O-Den dig up conclusive proof that Fill was actually the Evil Mastermind behind the job (a bit of paper with “Things I Need To Steal The Christmas Wages From That Factory – Stripey Jumper, Bag with Swag written on it, Big Mask, Beret, Cosh, Black Leather Jacket, Mobile phone with Italian Job ring tone” written on it in Fill’s handwriting). Denman adopts a really good "sensitive" voice when he gives her the note, but you can see his eyes are full of evil.

After all the trouble Denman went to, Kyert burns the note as a symbol of letting go of Fill for once and for all. Her new dream, she says, is to turn Kyerts Klassy Nails-Like into the biggest nail bar in the East End, and buy up all Fill’s businesses and turn the Vic into a big nail bar staffed by women-done-wrong. But first, she says, she’s going to shag Denman. Which she does on the nightclub floor, by the look of it. Ew…sticky.

Denman always does a passive/aggressive, "Don't do this" line before being leapt upon by Kyert/Shazza/whoever...

Meanwhile, Sham is back in black and gives Billy the snooker hall manager’s job after she discovers that he did a particularly good job of taunting Kyert about her not being ugly enough to be a proper Mitchell or something like that. Drippy is happy.

Fool’s wedding preparations continue. Ethel 2.0’s MAJOR BRAIN SURGERY seems to have cleared up nicely, and her hair has grown back so well, she’s not even bothering with a big plaster any more. Come on scriptwriters, even Steph in Neighbours wears a headscarf and looks a bit rough after chemotherapy.

To prove that she’s got her marbles back, Ethel reminds Fool that he’s got an equally stupidly-named cousin called Maxwell who apparently works in the film industry as a Best Boy or whatever. Maxwell might have some fake snow for Fool’s white wedding day – or he might have a silver hammer to beat up Byrite with (That’s enough obscure Beatles refs – Ed). But oh no, what non-comedy nonsense is this? Ethel can’t remember what she wrote Maxwell’s phone number under in her address book.

I’m bored with this plot now. Let’s talk about AGarry and his Hairy Harem.

AGarry gets some nit shampoo and decants it into posh bottles that he presents to Simpleton and Sullen as special presents. Sullen works it out immediately, but she thinks it’s sweet that AGarry would go to such trouble to deceive her and ups the winking rate (brrrr…). Simpleton comes into the pub, scratching, and Sullen gets upset. AGarry is sad.

Yolande seems to be wearing a fur-trimmed sofa cover. She and TriniDad talk about their money again.

Dadvis continues stalking poor Shirley. Adull strops and sulks around all day, and then has a go at Ash about seeing Shirley behind Dadvis’s back – he really is Dadvis’s bitch isn’t he. They start fighting and Dadvis has to break it up. Ash glowers so much it looks like his eyebrows have taken over his entire face.

Poline’s got a surprise surprise reunion planned for Gay Pike on Monday. Dot doesn’t think it’s a good idea.