PIKES REUNITED
Typical. I go away on holiday and loads of exciting, crazy stuff happens but as soon as I get back it is the dullest episode ever. Thanks, Eastenders. Thanks for nothing!

Anyway; Poline, Queen of Orangeness, has arranged a surprise trip for Gay Pike to see his daughter. Eventually she tells him what the surprise is and Pike moans about his tragic gay life. Boring! He is really nervous about meeting daughter Mary until Poline says that (a) Mary wants to see him and (b) Pike's evil bitch wife is dead and buried and won't be able to interfere. Poline simpers that her and Martin wouldn't know what to do without Pike to help them and Pike simpers that Poline has done the nicest thing for him ever. They drive off in Pike's shitty 1970s car but the man-faced daughter slams the door in their face and says it is all a terrible mistake. Ha ha!

Brave trooper Kyert puts on a brave face and gives Sullen a job as her nail barmaid. She also looks for a flat and arranges to view Drippy and Billy's old flat. Sham pops up every now and again to make spiteful bitch faces and taunt Kyert for being disloyal. Shut up, Sham. Kyert says that she isn't going to divorce Fill and rip off half his businesses etc. Oh, go on Kyert. Take it all! Instead she just wants to keep the nail bar. Sham says that Kyert can keep the bar but then Kyert and Fill are finished for evah. Shut up, Sham. Again.

Drippy gets a low cut, dark red top to wear to celebrate working the night shift at the Vic. Billy is dubious. Jesus Billy, just put her in a burkah and be done with it. At the Vic, Drippy is alone in the bar when Jim and all the other old geezers come in after the funeral of Jim's dead ex-bird. Jim tells off-colour anecdotes until some other old bloke challenges him to a fight or something. Oh, give me strength. What is the point of this. Why? why? They are squaring up and Dot is squealing "leave it Jim, he isn't worth it!" while Drippy flinches and twitches in the background for about half an hour until she finally plucks up courage to ring the bell and shout at them to behave. Oh, how she is empowered! she spends the rest of the episode simpering to the max to make up for it. Rapist Bloke gives her a snazzy pen and then she lies to Billy and says she bought it herself.

Moon meets his annoying, bad acting, flame haired ex and tries to get her to talk sense about their non-divorce. The ex tries to lure him to Southend for a night of passion in the piles of crisp wrappers and vomit behind the dodgems or something. Nice. When Ex meets Slutty she relents and tells Fool the name of their solicitor. It turns out they have a decree nisi but not a decree absolute. I don't know what that means. The sweaty loser lawyer turns up and says he will help with the decree absolute but that Fool will have to lie to the registrar and say his dog ate it or something. Fool lies to the registrar. Why, Slutty shall be wed at Christmastide!