HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A HAIRDRESSER SCORN'D
Morning on the Square, and while the Wattses share another wacky, wisecracking breakfast, Kyert discovers that the Walford Window Gang have been round in the night, and broken all her mirrors. But only the mirrors...Ex-Detective Kyert shrugs and gets the dustpan out.

LadyDen keeps looking oddly into space and fixing ODen with significant looks while talking about wedding vows. Teen wants to marry Denman, so Denman runs away to take Dot to her Secret Hospital Appointment. Teen looks stalkery. Actually, the only woman who doesn't look stalkery today is Dot, and that's because she's got Other Things on her mind.

Dot's terribly worried about her probing, but I think she's spooked out by the fact that Poline has dug out one of Arfur's old birthday banners and wants to put it up to celebrate Martin and Moomin's homecoming. She reckons you can rearrange the letters of "Arfur" to make "Martin". Hmm...remind me never to have Poline on my Scrabble team. Dot scuttles off to hospital, leaving Jim carrying a plate of sandwiches and dreading Poline's next instruction. ODen drops by with a card for MMartin, and he and Poline have a birthday snipe.

ODen cuts the birthday snipe short to strew his marital bed with rose petals for LadyDen. Like in American Beauty, only ODen isn't smoking dope and working out in the cellar.

LadyDen is curiously unconcerned about Kyert's Mirror Crack'd disaster, and offers to do Kyert's hair. Kyert still doesn't think "hang on a minute...". Mind you, all LadyDen does is flick a comb about and pat your head a bit, so what's the worst that could happen, eh? Out come the scissors, and the funny hairdresser clippy things.

Now, usually you get a cup of tea and a conversation about putting a bit of "choppy texture" first, but LadyDen's straight in there with the interrogation. Kyert holds out at first, but soon admits that yes, Mystery Man was older than her. SNIP! there goes the left side. And he was married. SNIP! there goes the right side. But he knew which "buttons" to push (I'll bet he did). SNIP! there goes the back. That's choppy alright. The questioning gets ever more mentalist, and Kyert finally works out that there's a hint of simmering long-eared rodent in the air. LadyDen is full of righteous anger, and starts throwing things. I thought she broke everything last night, but she finds a vase that she missed and slaps Kyert around. Kyert's police training snaps into action and LadyDen finds herself on the wrong end of a half nelson, about to fall down some very big stairs. LadyDen goes: "waaarrrggh" and grabs what's left of Kyert's hair while Kyert gets her fingers tangled in LadyDen's corkscrew perm. Excellent! ODen's spidey sense tingles when he finds LadyDen's cases already packed, and he rushes in to save Kyert from a real scissoring at the hands of LadyDen. LadyDen screams at ODen and runs away, putting a chair through the window and shouting: "Kyert's a fornicatrix!" at Ian.

Ian hobbles up to ODen and lands the feeblest punch ever on ODen's nose as ODen is shouting at Kyert. ODen makes a crack about boxing lessons being a waste of money, and stomps off. Ian: cross and wondering why he always falls for bad women (you make them bad, Bealemeister. After all, you call the shots). Kyert: sad and ugly with her weird hair.

Dot has to wait for her results. Denman hugs her and looks adorable. She puts on a brave face for Mr and Mrs Moomin's return. Yep, they're tanned: Moomin more than Martin.

LadyDen finds the American Beauty bed, and stares at it for a second. ODen appears, and we get a really nicely written scene where ODen tries on all his tricks and LadyDen calls him a sad, cheap, horny old bugger who will spend the rest of his life alone. Off downstairs she stomps. Vickney announces that she got into Fashion Designer College; and LadyDen announces that ODen has been making the beast with two backs with Kyert. The little Wattses are all: "What? Again?". Vickney sobs, Denman storms off in search of a wall to punch (grr!), and Shazza's entire lower face turns to jelly. LadyDen climbs into a Ferreira cab (she called before 5pm, obviously) and off she goes. Tsk. I liked LadyDen.