CHINA CRISIS

Moomin is judged for using the best china instead of the normal china. Her and MMartin try to have a romantic evening in (watching the Hulk...) but Poline barges in and spoils it with her incisive film criticism ("I'd shoot that Hulk with a gun"). Later, Moomin and Martin talk about moving out and Martin says they will have to live there for ages before they can move out. Moomin makes a hacky face and glares at a rank tea cosy.

O-Den sits on Losers Bench and is mocked by the general populace. Kyert has put on a hat like what a cockernee victorian pickpocket might wear, to try and fool us into believing that her hair is fucked up - let's face it, she'll take the hat off in a week and her hair will look exactly the same!!! Vickney is mean to her but Denman takes pity and buys her a cup of tea. Vickney and Shazza try and get O-Den to phone LadyDen and grovel, but he won't and acts like he is the wronged party. Shazza and Vickney inexplicably go off on holiday. What about Fashion Designer School? Vickney's down to the last ten! Anway, O-Den is sad and alone. Good.

Billy starts at the comedy video shop and is annoying. He finds some old computer discs and chases O-Den for a £9000 fine on an overdue copy of Porkys 2 he took out in 1988. As if a modern computer could read a disc that was recorded in 1988. What Ev Uh.

Gay Pike puts on a fashion crime yellow tracksuit to coach a basketball team at the community centre. It is a bunch of Italia Conti 3rd years showing off their Walford Globetrotter skillz and trying to act "surly" and "street". Let's just say they don't respect Pike's authoritay. Pike gets Bad Brutha to help watch them for a minute while he gets the keys and all the Globetrotters beg BB to teach them forevah. BB has to go and see the social worker though. He discusses his crim past, sparks up and talks about his own long lost daughter. Social Worker bloke is writing "BAD BRUTHA + KIDS = VERY VERY BAD" on his clip board with a red marker when, lo, the Globbetrotters burst in and shout "Drop the spliff and get your PE kit on, yo!" I bet your name is Tarquin in real life, so shut up, Globetrotter. Trinidad and Yolande say that Bad Bro has to be the basketball coach to suck up to the Social Worker. BB makes a harrassed face, but you just know he is going to bond with those lovable raggamuffins.

Teen points out that Denman's room is a rank pit and gets all Linda Barker on his ass, suggesting trips to Ikea and B&Q etc. Denman shouts "You women are all the same! We're not getting married, OK!" and strops off. Teen is sad. Slutty sees her moping around, they bicker a bit and then bond. Slutty makes Denman look after the stall and drags Teen off to have fun. There is a nice scene where they are getting ready and Teen asks why Slutty wears so much make-up and dares her to go out looking natural. Slutty agrees but then smuggles loads of slap in her bag and puts it on in degrees. In the Vic they meet a couple of cliched Hoxton Fools who invite them to a "website launch party" at Angie's Den. Are they also going to provide a time machine so they can go back in time to 1996 when people actually had website launch parties. They say there is a free bar so the Slaters tell him their names to get on the guest list. They buy shoes and get drunk and then go to the launch party and drink more, chat and carry on, etc etc. It is nice to see them have fun and not be all melodramatic and plot driven for the time being. Hoxton fool # 1 (who looks a bit like master of mentalism Derren Brown) fancies Teen and keeps inviting her to Epping Forest to be date raped. Teen says she has a boyfriend and won't go, but Derren keeps on at her. Denman is cross and grasses the HF's up to the cops when he sees them waving drugs around. Tsk, you aren't in 333 Club now, Hoxton fools! Slutty is getting increasingly leery and eventually goes and head butts Derren Brown. Excellent, this is better than the so-called catfight last Friday. There is a big scrap and Teen uses her giant manhands to annihilate HF # 2 (who doesn't look like anyone famous and so doesn't get a name). The cops arrive after Denman's drug tip off and drag the feisty amazons off to the cells to calm down.