AUF WIEDERSEHN JACK
Did I have to watch this? It was my birthday, fer chrissakes.

The BBC announcer said that the Square would be saying goodbye to an old veteran, which made me think: "Agh! Dot!", but no, it's Jack's funeral. Who? You know, that bloke who suddenly appeared with a hole in his head for Moomin to demonstrate her powers on. Turns out he's lived in the pub for 60 years having spent the WWII being the Universal Soldier. He was a Desert Rat; he was a RAF bomb disposal person; he was doing something on the beach at the D-Day landings...the only thing this man didn't do was invade Italy.

EE scriptwriters seem given to providing handy old folk that nobody has seen before but who appear to have been around for yonks (demonstrating that the elderly are...you know...invisible in today's society, mmkay...) at key moments. Codger appears from nowhere, dispenses elderly wisdom to younger, starrier cast member without even mentioning once how long they've been waiting for the bus, how it was different around here where Codger was young, and that Codger is moving out to Jaywick as soon as. Oh dear...I'm rambling again...who are you? Where am I? Where's me fags? Draughty old 'ole this, innit?

Anyway, Jack is buried. Everybody turns up to send him off; after all they want to get their money's worth. Moomin makes a godawful speech at the graveside about young love or something equally irrelevant.

Shazza can't stand watching Teen and Denman making out on the sofa without wanting to join in, so she hotfoots it to the club, thus releasing ODen to do his Captain ODenwaring act and get tickets for Florida for Moomin and Martin (don't. ask.). LadyDen upsets Shazza by assuming that she's happy for Denman, which releases the crypto floodgates. LadyDen is surprised and they row a bit while Shazz wobbles her chin all over the place.

The "something hot and sexy" turns out to be a cottage in the Lake District. Slutty sums it up for us all when she says: "I ain't climbin' no 'ills".

Minty and Billy band together to form the Two Find-Outers, or the Secret Seven Minus Five, and investigate Byrite Andy's dodgy dealings. They guess that Byrite has been doing something bad with Slutty, and ask Fool if there's anything going on. What was the name of that crap tec series with Jasper Carrott in it? Fool says: "How dare you impugn my wife's purity? Out! Out! Begone, foul fiends of...fiendishness and...stuff." Later, he tells Byrite to stop sending his goons over to gloat at him and Slutty. Byrite looks Thoughtful and sends a Proper Goon over to the Arches to drop a BMW on Araminta's arm.

TriniDad worries about getting married in church. Yolande couldn't care less. Next!

Dot's still not eating. She has a word with Doktor Boden-Shirt, who tells her to come in for an examination. Dot pulls that "nobody's probing my lady garden without a fight" look and decides against it.