RETURN OF THE PERV
By Mark
Kyert's special idea for Bobby's first birthday = getting his presents
in the caff. Don't give up the day job, Kyert. She runs around wearing
a clingy red top that shows off her rack but is a bit too tight round
the midriff and keeps touching Ian's arm. Pat drops by with a present
for Bobby and Ian is mean to her and tells her to begone. Kyert tells
him off so Ian rings Pat back and apologises in the hope that Kyert
will want to shag him if he is nice to people. O-Den and LadyDen
(wearing a pink suit last seen on Jackie Kennedy) also show up and Ian
asks O-Den to be the godfather. O-Den agrees and Poline makes spiteful
comments in the background. PantoJane (who is overacting less these
days) tells Ian that he is In Like Flynn, so Ian asks Kyert to help
him carry the pressies home and then gives her a glass of wine (I bet
it is spiked with rohypnol) and puts on a Dido record to prove that he
Understands Wimmin. He makes a pass and she says "No, we've been
through this!" Ian starts whining and asking what is wrong with him
(let's see, you are a vindictive ferret faced, grasping shit who
feigned injury and pretended that his daughter was terminally ill in
order to score chicks. Oh and also you spent ages shagging a trashy
whore and then dumped your wife when she had a drunken fumble and left
her penniless even though she gave you her life savings when one of
your businesses went tits up. Umm, I'm sure I'll think of something
else laterâ?¦). In the end Kyert admits that she is seeing someone else
but won't say who.
Minty keeps an eye on Agarry and is nice to him a lot. Sham says that
Agarry can have an extended lunchbreak to get over being dumped by
Sullen. You're all heart Sham. Billy is still cross with Minty for
getting the videoshop comedy loser job. It's not Minty's fault that
you are rubbish, Billy. Agarry goes to Bobby's birthday and is ignored
a bit, which makes him sad. He goes and sits in the Park of
Contemplation and Minty is worried that he has tried to top himself
again and runs to find him. He tells Garry that he ought to confide in
Rainman about his brush with death. What is Rainman going to do except
for rock back and forth mutely and quote statistics about air crashes?
Agarry says he can't as he isn't a proper Slater and decides to go out
on the pull that night instead. Minty mentions that he might be
getting a new job soon and Agarry immediately grabs a rusty razor
blade and starts sawing at his wrist. Minty says he will stay at the
garage so Billy gets the comedy loser videoshop job after all. Huzzah!
It is the day of Trinidad and Yolande's wedding. Jim is best man and
Dot is best lady (or whateverâ?¦) Kyert goes round to do Yolande's nails
and has to listen them talking about the sanctity of marriage etc â??
that's right Kyert, you're a homewrecking hussy! Trinidad is trying to
arrange some surprise religious type thing to make up for the fact
that they are having a godless secular registry office deal and
Yolande is arranging some kind of surprise as well. The fascist
registry office apparatchik won't allow anything religious in the
registry office (quite right too) so TriniDad has to rearrange his
secret plan. Yolande's surprise is that BadBrutha and Dr Perv show up.
Let's just say that Dr Perv hasn't had any acting lessons in the time
that he's been away. Absolutely no-one else comes to the wedding. The
ladies look nice but TriniDad is wearing a nasty cravatte/waistcoat
combo. Trindad's surprise is a gospel choir. They sing "Say a little
prayer" in the lobby and everyone gazes at them dorkily.
