CONFESSIONS OF A TOY GANGSTA
Let's get the side stories out of the way first. LadyDen and ODen bicker all the way through the big meal with Ironside Ian and Kyert. ODen deliberately ruins the lasagne so that all that is left is what looks like predigested brown mush. Kyert looks suspicious, and eventually gets convinced that ODen and LadyDen's marriage is on the rocks, and wheels Ian back to his gimp hole. ODen then luvs up LadyDen like the evening never happened.

TriniDad and Yolande decide to sell half the B&B so that they can have a more family-like home for the toothsome-but-troubled teen muppets on loan from Anna Scher. Next.

Araminta waves his crappily bandaged wrist (who did that? Sonia?) at Billy to dissuade him from telling all to Sham. Billy is unimpressed - I'm not surprised. I know Araminta's a big bloke, but surely having even a rusty VW dropped on your arm would cause a bit more damage than that. Araminta keeps forgetting that he's been maimed and waves the bandaged wrist around a lot. Keep it still and put it in a sling, moron! Billy runs off to tell Sham anyway. Run Billy Run!

So, back to the main act. Sham is gazing at the shiny thing. All white gold and 99 carat cubic zirconia. He must have spent a fortune on QVC for that. Sham asks Byrite if he really wants the full deal, with little Shamlettas and everything. Byrite suddenly remembers that he'll have to have sex with a woman, not just weird controlling video sex like with Slutty, and backs down. Sham is confused. Byrite 'fesses up to weird controlling video sex with Slutty and offers to show Sham the vid so she can pick up som tips. Not really. Sham is sickened and disgusted. Byrite packs his bags and gives her a huge list of their joint interests that seems to take up an entire page. Hang on, there's the caff, the Arches and the ex-snookerall...what else? His Judy Garland CDs?

While he's packing, Sham starts musing on the subject of men and her own stupidity. She starts going through all the single men in Walford...Denman - been there; Gay Pike - ummm; Billy - well, Shazz did set a precedent with the whole keep it in the family thing; MY Gus - oh come on, even Rickay managed to put one over on him; Backstreet - ewww...Kellay's seconds; Scalliq...yep, Sham realises that she should have stayed married to Rickay. Poor cow. I'd be running a bath and counting out the sleeping tabs, but not Sham. No, she decides that Byrite might be a lying cheating, controlling gangsta of dubious sexual integrity, but he's an HONEST lying cheating, controlling...etc, so yes, she will throw caution to the winds, live up to the Mitchell reputation for picking bad 'uns and marry him, dear readers.

Billy rushes through the door just as Byrite works out which finger the ring goes on, and tells Sham: "Noooooooo! He's a bad 'un! He slept with Slutty!". Sham: "Yes I know, but it's better than sleeping with Gus, who is the only unattached man left on the Square that I'm not related to now that Jack's dead. Anyway, look at that! That's real diamonique, that is." Billy: "It's him or me". Sham: "Say hello to the Future Mrs Byrite. Oh, and you're sacked, by the way". Who will oversee the conversion of the ex-snookerall into Shoreditch twatflats now? Byrite goes grrr at Billy and twirls his moustache gaily. Then we have the embrace-looking-pensively-over-shoulder-to-indicate-duplicity/conflict thing.