BATTLE OF THE SHAM-ETTES
By Mark
This ep was noticeable for it's atrocious dialogue and erm, not much else.
A-Garry is sad and walks around flinching at the sight of babies etc.
Not even Moomin can heal him with the soothing balm of her attention.
Later on he finds out that the bastard catalogue company has delivered
a plastic baby toy thing and cries a lot.
Moomin and Martin run around wittering about sun cream etc and have
some shockingly bad, forced jollity scenes with Dot.
Kyert is pushing gimp Ian around and loses a necklace. They make a big
palaver about the whole thing so assume it is important for later.
Jane (still in panto acting mode – she'll be slapping her thigh next)
has earned loads of money for the caff. Her and Ian flirt, smirkily.
LadyDen bonds with Shazza over Shazza's split ends and says she'll
"put some layers in it" – let's see if Shazza's hair looks any
different tonight, continuity fans! LadyDen says she is sick of
having no mates and asks Kyert and Ian round for tea. Den tries to put
Kyert off and says it will be an embarrassing "Who's afraid of
Virginia Woolf" style cringe-fest. Kyert is sensible today for plot
reasons and says that she is going to go, dammit!
The power of Sport's Relief has turned Mickney from the path of crime!
He says that he really will donate his sponsorship money to charidee.
Mo makes hacky faces.
Fool and Slutty talk about their shit holiday a bit. Charlie starts
behind the bar and has a hilarious "rain man " episode with the till.
Shut damn you! Shut! Pat also couldn't work the till, I recall - maybe
it is actually broken and it isn't just old people being shit with new
fangled technology.
Trini-dad and Yolande tart up the B&B for the visit from the Social
Worker Fostering Bloke (who would be quite cute with a shave and a
haircut). For some reason Trini-dad speaks entirely in cricket
metaphors. SWFB (WWBQCWASAAH) makes them feel bad about their pasts
but then says that he thinks they would be good foster parents. He
adds that it's a bit shit that they live in a B&B where anyone could
wander in and do bad things to a child. It never has any guests though
so don't worry about it, mate.
Juley runs a crime errand and is annoying. Byrite tells him off for
being indiscrete.
Billy tries to get in touch with Minty so they can go and break Sham's
heart together (re Byrite and Slutty) but Minty is nowhere to be seen.
Have the Turgid Two disbanded already? It turns out that Minty is sat
on Loser's Bench with an oily rag tied round his hand, making sad
puppy dog faces. He tells Billy that someone did it on purpose! Cut to
Byrite paying off some geezer for giving him a blow job hurting Minty.
Sham catches him and gets annoyed when Byrite is cagey. Byrite says it
is private so Sham says she is going off to do "private" things too.
How old are you Sham? eight? Later on they make up and Byrite says
that he sees Sham as more than just a business partner.
Billy isn't scared of being hurt and says he still wants to tell Sham
everything. Byrite jumps out from behind a bush and says "You will
never thwart me! Bwa ha ha!" Billy: "Will so!" He stomps off and
Byrite makes some vague derogatory comment about Drippy. Billy goes
back and plays the "I'm a Mitchell!" card. Wooo! I bet Byrite is
quaking in his Freeman Hardy Willis slip-ons now! Minty runs away.
Like a girl.
Byrite phones smarmy new bloke and asks him to send over a package –
what could it be? A gun? The latest copy of Zipper magazine? Billy
runs! Runs like the wind! To get to Sham before Byrite, but falls for
Byrite's evil scheme and is sent off on a wild goose chase to the
Restaurant Set. The package turns out to be an engagement rig. Boring.
Byrite gives it to Sham in a really unromantic, pathetic way (he
doesn't even say "will you marry me?") but Sham is too busy drooling
like a cretin over the shiny shiny object to notice.
