MUST BE THE SHAZZA BETWEEN US
Gus is still pondering the Charity Bucket of Doom under the kitchen sink when Juley appears wearing customised trainers and acting the prat with the evil Midwich twins, who have taken to playing football in the street with the common children while the Bealemeister languishes in hospital. MYGus gives his new CD player (present from Juley) to Female Midwich Twin, like she needs it. Her dad's probably bought her an iPod with all of S Club's greatest hits already on it, or whatever it is Young People listen to these days (Mind you, the next door tweenie's CD collection sounds like Pizzicato Five meets Hello Kitty, only in a bad way). For some completely unfathomable reason, he decides that TriniDad and Yolande are the only people who can offer him advice on how to get Juley to stop being a Lame-o Gangsta. TriniDad looks pretty gobsmacked too, to be honest.

Pathetic plot device dropped! Unconvincing Urchin decides to stay with his Bad Girl mother now that Mr Fenner has let her go (I so want her to be Darlene Cake). Yolande: sad.

Every time AGarry opens his mouth, you can see Sullen thinking "baby killer" and her lips disappear. AGarry organises the funeral, but Sullen just sulks in her bed and everybody tiptoes around her.

Denman strops around in a sweaty t-shirt, pouting aggressively at Shazza and telling Teen that he's a no good crawling King Snake who will only break her little heart in two. Teen is very teen about it, and says she's content with casual ex-type shagging in the absence of a proper relationship (I remember doing that at her age...ouch). Shazza does the lip thing and looks tragic. Will Young is playing on the jukebox.

Weirder and weirder. That old bloke that Moomin helped the other day gazes longingly at her across the bar. At least that's what it looks like. He was probably trying his best not to look at Slutty and Fool finding excuses to lick each other's face every two seconds. Ewww...get a room. Anyway, Moomin's Moomin-sense tells her to check up on him a little bit later. She gets MMartin to break into the flat and yes...he's dead. Old bloke, not MMartin. I was hoping that Old Bloke would be a pathetic wrinkly stalker and keep flashing at her in MacArfur Park, but never mind.

Bealemeister update. The caff is in chaos, and ODen has to get a muppet gang together to make tea for the community because the non-speaking agency bird can't do it. What is this urge the producers have to turn ODen into Captain Mainwaring meets the Krays? ODen also finds out that Kyert is visiting Ian in hospital and isn't happy. That Jane woman visits Ian, bearing a bacon roll. Ian takes one bite and cries: "Why this is the best bacon roll I've ever tasted! Why don't you run my cafe for 80p more than minimum wage?". Jane agrees and thus takes her first step to becoming the next ex-Mrs Beale. Has anybody told her what happens to Ian Beale's wives, poor doomed cow? Poline announces that she's going to move into Ian's and wipe his bottom for him when he comes out of hospital. That flat behind the chip shop probably has a leyline connecting it with Hades, or something: evil seems to gravitate towards it.