AS ANY FULE KNO
They're wedding kerayzee in the EE offices at the moment. Ethel's trying to get ready in the living room at the Vic while assorted LadyDens, Beales, Moons and Kellay flutter around them. Ethel reveals her true control freak colours with a precisely ordered list of tasks, which she hands Fool. Everybody smiles at this as evidence of dearlittleoldlady eccentricity, the fools.

Ian's trying to change a nappy while putting silverskin onions on cocktail sticks but the Midwich Twins are carrying on like a pair of tweenie hellhounds. LadyDen tells him to sort his life out and find a babysitter or else. Ethel 2.0 brings out a cheap gilt brooch of Destiny that Husband 1.0 gave her, and witters on some more about betraying Husband 1.0 even though her first marriage seems to have been little more than two dances and a knee trembler round the back of the Hammersmith Palais. Slutty gives Fool a significant look and talks about forgiveness and love in a very slow voice. Fool looks at his feet and mumbles.

Tink's loitering around at the B&B, gazing at the Wedding Ring of Destiny like a superannuated hobbit. Yolande witters on about love etc, and Tink looks ever so slightly guilty. Then he disappears with a suitcase full of Pat's cash back off to Lovejoy's barn in Essex, I presume. Fool realises his bar snacking habit has to stop when can't run 200 yards through the market to catch up with an elderly man. He finally catches up with Tink at the station, and sees that Tink has only bought one travelcard. Why, what can this be? says Fool? Tink: "You've got me bang to rights, guvnor. The medics are only giving me three weeks to live. I've got to run far, far away..."

Meanwhile there is confusion in the Square. Scalliq's number-changing stunt has stumped a pack of comedy bailiffs and Ian's babysitter. The chief comedy bailiff is that bloke who did a lot of work on Goodness Gracious Me. Maybe they'll all get together in the house and reprise the "Going out for an English" sketch. The Ferreiraz have barricaded themselves in the house, and are preparing Adull for a human sacrifice to the building society or something. Pat hands over some beautifully cooked books, and off Adull goes to fleece the building society manager. DJ Ross and Kareena mutter that the squatting plan is dooomed, and start looking for flats in Willesden (Willesden? Leyton would be a better bet, guys). Ash and Scalliq are sad that their siblings have no faith in them...well DUH!

NC plot involving Mickney, Big Mo and a load of coloured rice.

Teen digs out another slatternly dress. Denman is impressed. Slutty tells Denman she's watching him. Denman calls her a perv.

Polzilla/Dothra bicker about the wedding and criticise Ethel's preparations. Moomin and MMartin grab the Simplet and escape, using the old dirty nappy excuse. Good move, Moomin. I use that one a lot.

Adull gets a mortgage offer just as the comedy bailiffs breaking down the door, and the Kidz are yelling "kiss my chuddies". But it matters not, young Adull. Chief Comedy bailiff says that they still have to move out while court decides what to do next. Oh no! This plot is set to run and run, isn't it?

Back to Tink/Fool. Tink tells Fool that he only has five minutes to live, and he can't put Ethel 2.0 through the pain and emotional trauma of having to change his colostomy bag or whatever. Fool says he has to tell Ethel, but Tink uses his Tinkly wiles to convice Fool to just let him leave. With Dignity. And Husband 1.0's war medals. Fool gives him a last hug, and oops, there go the medals. Fool is confused. Tink puts on his Avengers Evil Heavy look. But in the Avengers he was usually wearing a jaunty beret and striped jumper. It doesn't really work as well in a linen suit. Maybe he should have borrowed Patrick Macnee's swordstick.