HELTER SKELTER
By Mark, even though it says by Sarah at the bottom - that's just Blogger being weird.
First of all can I just say that this is the worst fairground ride evah. It's just a big straight slide with a cardboard dragon glued to the top. Borrr-ing. Anyway, throughout the show we are treated to shots of feet (doomed feet!) running up the stairs, shots of badly assembled scaffolding shifting ominously and hear the sound of the Dragon of Death siren going "weeeeee"! Oh, the tension, it?s undetectable!
First up, Teen is sulking in the Vic because Denman gave his stuffed toy to Shazza, both literally and figuratively. Shazza pretends that she can't notice the beams of crypto lust that Denman is shooting at
her and sends him after Teen. Denman acts like it is no big deal, but after Teen says that she wuvs Denman he admits that yes, he does think of Shazza all the time and no, he will never love Teen. Teen says that he's dumped then and Denman says "fine" and wanders
off. Teen is sad.
Feet! Scaffolding! "Weeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!"
Kyert is still saddled with Bealemeisters kid. She is perturbed to discover that LadyDen nearly killed Diamonique with her bare hands and had to be restrained by a SWAT team and shot with a tranquilliser dart to calm her down etc. I predict a salon catfight?
Feet!
Ian is working on his Salmonella-wagon when a brassy lady in a pink smock accuses him of short changing her. He won't pay her back and she says he is a miser who counts his pennies at home every morning. Ian gets revenge in that mature Bealemeister way when he goes
to her candyfloss stall and pays entirely in pennies. She gives him a tiny portion of candyfloss in return and grins scarily, revealing about 50,000 giant teeth. Is this the new plucky lady who has come to steal Bealemeister's heart (aka Simpleton 2.0?). Ian gives the Midwich Cuckoo twins some cash to have a go on the Deathdealing Dragon of Doom.
Scaffolding!
Dot and Poline are still hayting each other in the cake stall. All their family members leave them to it. Moomin says that her resignation letter is on the mantelpiece and asks Poline to post it. Why can't you post it yourself, you lazy cow? I think Sonia has lost
her connection to the Moomin Dimension, which is why she is being so annoying these days. In the end Poline deliberately destroys a cream cake that Dot is especially proud of. They argue and Poline says that
vanity is one of the 7 deadly sins when it totally isn't. Didn't the Magnum marketing campaign teach you anything? They agree that their friendship is over for ever. Why, only a near death experience could make them appreciate how they really feel about each other!
"Weeeeeeee!!!"
Backstreet can't find any retina searing nylon shirts in the wardrobe so he deduces that Fool has gone. He hides it from Slutty and Ethel 2.0 and keeps trying to phone Fool to tell him he still has chance to come home and change his mind. Fool is too busy practising making sad faces in the mirror somewhere to answer his phone. Backstreet and Slutty look round the fair and poor Slutty has to pretend to be excessively amused by assorted fairground tat. Maybe someone needs to go up west a bit more often. She thinks Backstreet is sad about Kellay leaving. Byrite starts to get the hint that Fool has left and threatens to tell Slutty. Backstreet squeals that Byrite should just shut up and stop being so mean! Byrite says "Don't you take that
tone with me, Manchild!"
Feet! Scaffolding!
Sullen and A-Garry are being all lovey dovey and talking about their new baybay. Sullen confesses that she had a scan and that it is going to be a girl. A-Garry runs off to do something so that he won't be
smooshed by the Death Dragon, as the writers don't hate him and want to make him suffer like they do with Sullen. Sullen sits by Slutty and pretends not to be pissed off that they are writing her out soon. Slutty tells Backstreet that she knows he is worried about her and Fool but they will work it out through the Power of Love. Backstreet makes a face like he is trying to hold in a really big poo and then runs to the top of the slide (good move, thicko) to call Fool
again. While he is gone, Slutty nips off to fetch some comfy shoes for Sullen and Byrite follows her. Ruh roh.
"Weeeeee!!!"
At the top of the slide, The Midwich Cuckoo twins find Backstreet crying like a bitch. The girl goes down the slide and the boy twin uses his freakish space alien telekinesis to demolish the slide. Bad twin! How many times have I told you to only use your powers for
good? It falls over, apparently landing right on top of Sullen and the portakabin where dot and Poline are lurking. Nooooooo! Crashhhh! Etc.
