JESUS WEPT
...a whole hour! OK, here's a two minute update. I'm going to miss out a lot and I probably didn't get every single nuance of Andy's gayness (actually I did, but it's just too tedious to watch him go so far back into the closet that he bumps into Aslan and a talking beaver).

So anyway, there's a big do at The Club and LadyDen overhears ODen inviting Secret Laydee to the do. Said do is something to do with Walford's centenary. Why celebrate a hundred years of the Fowlers, I don't know. The directors go mobile crayzee and show LadyDen catching lots of nubile young things giggling suggestively into their mobiles while she washes Diamonique's hair. Diamonique says she's going to the nightclub do and keeps talking about ODen a lot. ODen is super-nice as she gets ready for the party (with a background of rather pleasant tinkly dinner jazz that certainly isn't Jamie Bloody Cullum). Diamonique (aka Suspect No 1) turns up in something cheap and sparkly, calls ODen on her mobile. LadyDen goes mental. ODen drags her off Diamonique's shrieking carcass and explains that Diamonique is in fact another business associate's missus and not Den's Mistress. LadyDen is embarrassed and foiled! ODen makes her promise to mend her bunny boiling ways.

One of the mobile girlies is Kellay. The Ferreiraz give her and Kareena a Mexican sendoff. Kellay's mobile keeps ringing and she won't answer it. Kellay and Kareena leave in a cab ordered by Backstreet. Kelly declares her love for Backstreet as she drives off to a summer of teaching pimply spides and spidettes how to drink sangria from a spouty bottle.

Byrite finds out out that Fool was looking for him and for a second it looks like we might have quite a good two-hander on our...um...hands. But no. Fool sits on his moral high horse and we get lots of stuff about how Byrite's conkers were always bigger than Fool's, but Fool wins out in the end because he doesn't have to pay people to like him and he doesn't live at his girlfriend's mum's house. Byrite knocks Fool down with two really gay punches, and it's almost a cue for that awful Chumbawumba song about drinking to get put on the jukebox. But it doesn't. Anyway, Byrite wins by reminding Fool that every time he looks at Slutty he'll get an image of Byrite and her doing it on video and the internet. Fool looks troubled and decides to run far far away.

Meanwhile, Slutty confides to Sullen. Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear oh dear.

Moomin says she wants to give up her nursing course and "have some fun". With MMartin? Hang on a minute, isn't this girl supposed to be intelligent? I can't swear because my mum reads this blog, but what happened to thirty years of feminism? eh? eh?

ODen leaves LadyDen on her own, saying he's going to clean up at the club, but oh no, what's this? He's not at the club! He's ringing a doorbell! A Laydee's doorbell! That's no Laydee, that's Kyert!