WE'RE ALL GOING ON A FREAKOID HOLIDAY
They're packing to go on holiday at Weird Family Central. Well, Denman and Shazza are. Denman carefully irons and folds three t-shirts and a jacket, and tries (unsuccessfully) to get them into Shazza's suitcase. He confesses that he's never been on a proper holiday before because Ma Rickman's idea of a summer break was to shut him in the garden shed with a sun lamp and a paddling pool. Shazza runs out to buy him a pair of swimming trunks, but only after she spends far too long looking him up and down and imagining him frolicking in the Spanish surf, shirtless and trunkless...stop that now, Shazza.

Vickney's "customised" sweatshirts are vile. Vile vile vile.

The Ferreiras have a bit of a scare about Ronny, and start drawing dotted lines and arrows around Scalliq's kidney area. Kareena tries to fatten him up a bit more while Adull continues moping about with the cat's arse expression.

Shirley decides to take Byrite to a tribunal - he probably thinks that's something out of Gladiator, dear - and various betting shop regulars mutter sympathetically. Somehow the "tribunal" is transmogrified into a slightly pathetic picket line, which gives TriniDad and Jim a chance to reminisce on their radical Marxist past - wouldn't have put Jim down as a member of the International Marxist Group's crash-helmeted shock troops of the 60s, but there you go. Anyway, Byrite doesn't do a Disney and get his gangland pals involved in a shopfront battle. Of course not. He's the World's Most Pathetic Evil Boss, as well as being the World's Worst Gangsta. He makes David Brent look like Richard Branson and gives Shirley a huge wodge of cash to bugger off. Which she does. She decides to sell the flat and visit her son in New Zealand. The cat is going "to a friend's". A likely story.

My spouse wonders if all the old Eastenders writers have emigrated and found jobs on Neighbours, leaving a bunch of teenage H-oaks fans in charge at the BBC.

Shazza wanders around the Square, looking winsome and wondering winsomely about Den's love potential. Poline and Kyert warn her that Denman is nothing but a crawling king snake who's bad to the bone and nothin' but a low down cheating loser who will bring her nothing but heartache. Shazza tries to get out of going on holiday with Den, but he catches her sniffing his discarded shirts, and they have a weird argument about how all this sick wrongness will rebound on Shazza, and she'll lose her entire Weird Family. Then she starts snogging Denman and I wonder what time The Brits will start. Even Cat Deeley's dresses make more sense than this.

Billy decides to try and get a job. Sham says she's had to cut down to only one bitch these days, and Araminta got in there first. Billy goes to Byrite's to try for Shirley's job, but Byrite instead offers him a position as Byrite's Bitch. Billy realises how embarrassing it would be to be the World's Worst Gangsta's bitch, but Mo's taunting pushes him too far, and he takes the job.

Moomin is invited to tea chez Fowler, but she's late back from a lecture and the tea's all spoiled. MMartin and Poline are angry because she's obviously forgetting where she came from and spending too much time hobnobbing with faaaancy high class nursing types.