BROTHER WITH ANOTHER KIDNEY
By Mark
Kareena spends the whole episode moping around in various locations. Including, appropriately, Losers Bench. She says she is slowly coming to terms with her crypto-incestuous how’s-your-father but wants to talk to Scalliq to find out why? Why, for the love of god? Why? Adull and Ash pretend to be nice to Scalliq so they can get their hands on his kidney and then bitch about him behind his back. The doctor explains that having your kidney sliced out with cold, hard, surgical steel is normally a breeze except for sometimes, when people die. Also the kidney might be rejected anyway. Scalliq is scared.

Teen starts to move her stuff into the Vic. It appears that she has about 15 boxes full of cuddly toys. Backstreet says he is going to put his foot down and make her be tidy and minimalistic etc but then he sees her wrapped in a towel and instantly develops wood at the sight of her creamy, man-width shoulders.

Gus moves into Kellay’s and seems strangely delighted that the flat has such marvels as wardrobes and chests of drawers. They bicker about how many clothes/drawers/wardrobes etc Kellay has. Gus’ brother Julie reappears from the plot cupboard, for some reason.

Simpleton and Ian get their divorce through – be afraid, they are now free to wed again! They have a chat about how they used to have good times etc until Ian remembers that he is a weasel and says “Yes, until you shagged Annoying Garry”. Two words Ian: “Prostitute Juhneen”. Ian says that he can have back all his assets that he signed over to Poline now. Meanwhile Simpleton finds out that the grotty bedsits are going to be redeveloped (perhaps they are being upgraded from a hovel to a slum) and that she has to move out. Simpleton is sad.

Martin invites Moomin to the Valentines Day Ball but she feels fat and doesn’t want to go, especially when Kellay keeps trying to tempt her to wear more garments made out of string and coloured cellophane. She tries to make excuses to not go but Dot tries to talk her into it.

Sham and Shazza exchange catty repartee. Shazza says that she has received a higher bid for the club so she expects £40k more from Byrite Andy. Andy says he shouldn’t be seen in public with Sham. Sham is too stupid to feel insulted. Shazza is sad that she can’t hold the Valentines Day ball so Gay Pike suggests they have it at the community centre. Poline, who never misses an opportunity to ruin someone’s day, points out that he has to get a liquor licence and that might be difficult seeing as how he has a criminal record (Martin’s criminal record, to be precise). Pike tries to get someone on the Community Centre Board of Governors to apply for the licence but instead he gets sacked just like that. I don’t know, I think I dozed off for that bit.