BROTHER DON'T PREACH, COS I'M KEEPING MY KIDNEY, WOO-OOOH
by Mark
NC dieting subplot – Pat and Mo get ready for the start of their weight-loss-a-thon. I hope this means that we get to see Pat hopped up on “diet pills” at some point. For some reason Gus and Jules start to run a “guess the weight of the Mo” sweepstake. Mo decides that it will be easier to lose weight if she is really fat at the start of the contest and so spends the whole episode troughing down crates full of crisps.

Bad Brutha learns that all successful relationships are built on lies and deceit – this is illustrated by Fool telling Slutty she looks nice in a hideous Bridget Riley style dress.

Ethel 2.0 wants to go on a coach trip to Eastbourne (Sodom of the East? I don’t really know where Eastbourne is) but Fool won’t let her go on her own. Jesus, it’s Eastbourne, it’s not like she’s asking to go to war torn Congo for her hols.

Simpleton offers to do the catering for the Vic but Fool has to turn her down as Slutty says no way. She doesn’t want to employ the woman who stole A-Garrry’s sperm as it might annoy Sullen. I wouldn’t want to annoy hormonal pregnant Sullen either. Brrrr.

Most of this episode is taken up with the Kidney Subplot That Refused to Die. The Ferriera kidz discover that Scalliq has done a bunk. After arsing around for a fortnight it is now apparently urgent again that the kidney is transplanted asap. Ash goes into action hero mode, tracks Scalliq back to his scummy bedsit and kicks down the door when Scalliq won’t answer. Kareena and Adull chat to Ross and pretend that everything is fine. Scalliq and Ash have a very very very very long argument about the kidney. It is quite well acted and all (especially by Scalliq) and in the end it boils down to the fact that Scalliq doesn’t feel sufficiently loved by his new family to give up any of his vital organs. Ash trudges back to the hospital to give the bad news (if it was me I would have immediately beaten up Adull, while screaming “it’s all your fault, you stupidly bearded bastard!”). they are getting ready to tell Ross the bad news when Scalliq suddenly appears, having changed his mind for the 84th time in this storyline.