BOYFRIEND IN A COMA
How long can somebody with severe kidney problems rare tissue etc etc actually hang on, even hooked up to several machines that go ping? Well, DJ Ross is about to break the world record for person hovering on the brink of Oblivion because Kareena has to hunt down Scalliq and remove the kidney herself. Well, OK she doesn't, but she kind of forgets that there's a big emergency going on, and spends several hours asking Scalliq why he courted her and "touched" her and did the tongue thing and everything. My mind blanks out at this point and I concentrate on feeding the baby. Perhaps the next spinoff video/DVD extravaganza will be "Eastenders: Forbidden Love - the Scalliq/Kareena story...TOO HOT FOR TV!", with Kareena on the cover dressed in a naughty sari or something. Ugh.

So, Scalliq and Kareena talk, and talk and talk and...

AGarry is snowed under at the Arches and Sham doesn't seem to care. Good management technique Sham. She's too busy telling Byrite that Shazza's latest offer is totally bogus, and he should persevere with his joke offer just to humiliate her because she's got architects standing by to redo that place. Or maybe she means the DIY SOS crew. Byrite Andy decides to use reverse psychology and tells Shazza to go for that better offer. Shazza smiles and says OK. The "For Sale" sign comes down, and Araminta is happy because Sham has promised him a proper job as her Queen Bitch when they sort out the nightclub.

Byrite is scared by the For Sale sign coming down and offers to match Shazza's offer. Maybe Sham will withhold sex from him if he doesn't get this club. Shazza does that thing with her mouth, only smugly.

Scalliq and Kareena: still talking...

Mickey Finhead overhears AGarry bitching about his workload and tells AGarry that he really really wants to be a grease monkey. Perhaps he thinks it's a cheap way of getting his hair to stay up, but AGarry doesn't believe that he's ever been near an engine. Finhead gets a day's trial and somehow wings it with his tea making and engine-kicking skills.

Moomin's still scouring Kellay's stall for something to wear to this 'ere formal. One of your award ceremony dresses would do nicely, dear. Dot sees Moomin looking at tiny handkerchiefs of fabric held together with ribbons and decides to invent a "birthday fund" to enable Moomin to go and get something from Dorothy Perkins. Wooo! Moomin is happy.

We are thankfully mostly Slater-free today, except that Backstreet keeps hovering around the bathroom door to catch a glimpse of Teen's manshoulders again. Perv. Teen is just as slutty as her sistermother.

Scalliq and Kareena: still talking...oh please die DJ Ross and bring this interminable scene to an end. Though they do seem to be trying to work out the various plot twists of the past year or so. On screen.

MMartin - now Good MMartin - discovers that Gay Pike lost his job because of his "criminal record". He finds the Community Centre head honcho trying to pacify an angry double-booked yoga group and dealing with the ANARCHY that resulted from Gay Pike's sacking. Head Honcho isn't interested in MMartin's story and is disgusted by Gay Pike's non-sexual relationship with Poline or something...baby started crying...and Gay Pike got his job back.

Scalliq and Kareena. Now that they've shouted, overacted, stormed around, gazed at DJ Ross's lovely sleeping form, they're all friends again and Scalliq offers up his kidney to the medics. Thank fuck for that.

...and I got tickets for the Pixies. Yay!