DO DIE RON RON RON, DO DIE RON RON
This one follows on straight away from Thurs. Scalliq bangs on the Ferriera's door screaming for help. by the time he has rallied Ash and Adull to his cause, DJ Ross has made his way home and collapsed on the doorstep. He is all pale and glassy eyed and has a few scraps on his forehead. It turns out that he has been stabbed in the stomach, but the camera never points at the wound because it is only 8pm. Instead we get Adull running off to puke and Kareena freaking out. Ash calls 999 while Scalliq tries to staunch the wound with his entire, dog fur trimmed parka. All the Ferriera's fling recriminations at Scalliq for (a) getting Ross into a fight and (b) leaving him to his fate. When the ambulance comes, Scalliq wants to ride with the paramedics but Kareena says, "Family only, bitch" and goes instead. Scalliq is sad. At the hospital, there is full on ER type scene with Ross being whisked away on a gurney thing. "Where are they taking him?" squeals Kareena. Let's see. Ross has being stabbed and they are in a hospital so that must mean they are taking him shopping to Habitat or the goddamn circus to look at clowns. Jesus. More recriminations and guilt for Scalliq. He talks to the cops. Kareena is mean to him blah blah blah. Both Ferriera parents are unavaivable, btw, for various contrived reasons. In the end the doctor comes out and says that DJ Ross was stabbed in the kidney and they had to take it out. "He can survive with one though, innit?" asks Ash, who has all the fancy book learnin' but the doctor says that Ross is a mutant freak who only had one kidney to start with. Also a transplant looks dodgy as Ross also has a super rare tissue type which means that only a long lost brother would have the right match. Jesus, how contrived is that? (answer: very very very). Scalliq looks thoughtful: maybe he will get his organ into DJ Ross after all.*

All this is intercut with "Rickay and Juhneen: Confessions of a Moideresss." Rickay says he wants the Truth dammit, but Juhneen spins another lie about how Bad Brutha has a grudge against her because he had unrequited love for her and she turned him down for Baz. Rickay believes her for a bit but after half an hour his brain processes all the data and he points out that if BB had unrequited love and hated Baz then he would have hardly been at the wedding in the first place. Juhneen starts whining that Rickay is going to spoil their wierd pretend family with his inconvenient questions but Rick is firm and says he will move out if she doesn't tell all. Juhneen starts on the whole sorry tale of how she latched on to Baz in his hour of need. "Why couldn't you just get a job like normal people?" squawks Rickay, sensibly. Juhneen starts whining on about her harsh childhood and abondonement issues. Rickay points out that he, Claire and Diane (oh, I'd forgotten about her, she really was the worst actress ever) turned out OK. Juhneen confesses that she did moider Barry when she realised that she was married to him forever, but that she does feel bad about it and has guilt etc, so that's OK. Rickay is horrified and recalls that Juhneen was always a Bad Seed and once pushed a teacher into a swimming pool (Juhneen: "She was horrid to me!"). Rickay asks if she has bumped off anyone else and starts worrying that she could kill again. Juhneen says that that is crazy talk but Rickay decides that he and Liam are moving out straight away. Juhneen screams "No!No!" but Rickay pushes her away and runs out leaving her crying in a heap on the floor. Juhneen acted the hell out of that and even Rickay was not half bad.

*thanks to decca for tasteless yet excellent organ joke