I BELIEVE IN A THING CALLED FREAKISH CRYPTO-INCEST
I'm willing to bet that last night most veteran EE watchers thought they'd been transported by Quantum Leap-style technology into a parallel universe where EastEnders was transformed into fucking Hollyoaks. What the hell is going on here? Valentine's balls? Ugly duckling makeovers? Hall decor crises? Jesus wept.

Kareena decides to cook Scalliq a delicious final family meal before he hands over the body organs. But Adull is still trying to dob him in it with Dadvis, except that Dadvis has disappeared into the heart of Goa and not even his own brother can find him. Adull returns home to find Scalliq joking with Kareena and Ash over one of Madhur's delicious-but-accessible recipes: he gives Scalliq the same look that my cat throws at the baby when she starts crying, and stomps off huffily.

Shazza has put MY Gus and Juley in charge of decorating the Community Centre for the Valentine's Ball - eh? I missed something somewhere didn't I? Ruh roh. They screw it up and Shazz throws a very blonde strop. It's up to Denman to tell her that she's too strong to be knocked sideways by a badly-drawn banner and some cheap balloons, but Shazz carries on stropping. Oh, and she gets a Valentine's card from Juley, but thinks it's from Denman and keeps staring at him.

Denman proves for once and for all that he really is completely and utterly gay by saving the day on the hall decoration front with a few strategically placed blackout curtains and a bunch of fairy lights. Shazza helps him handle his hammer suggestively while staring some more.

There's lots of this lingering stare stuff. In fact every time Denman and Shazza come within ten feet of each other, they have to spend at least an hour staring at each other with quizzical longing. And funnily enough - nobody notices, not even Bad Brutha and Nat while they are watching them slow dance. Bad Brutha does not turn to Nat and say: "There's something funny going on there. Aren't they related?" - he merely adjusts his cheap white tuxedo and asks Nat for a dance. So, he's going to move on to Nat out of guilt now, I suppose. Good on yer Nat - that'll get right up Juhneen's little nosey and make her even more evil. Hurrah!

Sonia feels frumpy - well I'm not surprised when you wear a pink-flecked round-necked jumper that even Dot would think was a bit on the dull side, love. She continues with her can't go to the ball excuse and MMartin actually looks rather sad. Then Vickney spots her sneaking around when she's supposed to be working, and has a go at Sonia for being shallow and concerned only with appearances (ummm...Vickney? OK...leave it). So there's the girly makeover scene where the pretty girl patronises the not-so-pretty girl and goes to the party feeling really good about herself. Sonia turns up a few minutes after Vickney, having done something really odd to her hair and added a few bits of diamante to the dress. MMartin is impressed and they lick each other a lot during the slow dance.