FERREIRA BONANZA
I have a confession to make: I was going to watch tonight's EE, but then we got baby visitors, and the baby decided to throw one of her wind-related tantrums complete with Flying Fists of Death. So I'm making this up from the BBC update.

So, it says here that Scalliq was still being a total wuss about his secret brotherness even in the face of DJ Ross's Single Kidney of Plot Convenience, but then Mickey Finhead grassed him up to Kareena. Which means today is a total Ferreira experience, and what an experience it is (not).

Kareena nearly swallows an entire bottle of bleach in this ep as she tries to get her head around the idea that she not only snogged her brother, but that he's not even the halfway good-looking brother. For the next half hour her lines are: "No no, you're not my brother! But we kissed! With tongues and everything! Ewwww...that's evil and wrong...you're evil...I'm evil...Nooooooo!" Oh for god's sake, girl, if you knew what Shazza had got up to with Denman...

Oh yes, apparently the Shazza/Denman crypto-incest freakshow returns next week, according the the soap mag I glanced at in the newsagents. Whoopdedoo...

Ash, being The Clever One, decides to interrogate Mickey while Kareena runs around going: "No no no no...argh!". Mickey retells Scalliq's Scottish Confession, and Adull stands around looking slightly shifty. Clever Boy Detective Ash notices Adull's shiftiness, and gets him to admit that when Dadvis used to take Adull swimming, he'd disappear, claiming he had people to see and places to be, so Adull followed him, and saw him with another woman - presumably Mrs Scalliq. Dadvis has used this incident to repeatedly beat and abuse Adull into the human doormat that you see before you today. My heart would bleed if this wasn't so lame. Honest it would.

Ash cries: "To the Scalliqery!", and they bring in Scalliq to get his side of the story. Scalliq denies everything, even when Kareena claims that he's only making all this up because he doesn't fancy her (actually the pic on the BBC site shows even poor Scalliq looking bemused at that one). But Clever Ash uses the Psychology Of The Individual to get Scalliq to break down and 'fess up.

Kareena leaps in with: "aaagh! How could you go out with your own sister you evil freak?" Scalliq decides not to confess that his true love is really DJ Ross at this point because the others look decidedly ugly. Then Ash says: "OK, prove it. Take this ever-so-convenient tissue test that we - his full blood relatives - have all failed, and we'll believe you and steal your kidney if you match up with DJ Ross." Scalliq realises there's no money in it, and 'fessing up to being their brother has lost him all chance of future happiness with DJ Ross anyway. He refuses, but Ash threatens to thump him if he doesn't...or something.

Look, I promise I'll watch it tonight, OK?