BEALEMEISTER VS EELMEISTER
by Mark
Luckily this lame urchin story is only going to last as long as the BBC "kids in care" season. Phew. Urchin impresses TriniDad with his knowledge of Lee "Scratch" Perry records while Bad Brutha lurks around suspiciously in the background. Yolande is going back to Jamaica to sort out her affairs after her divorce. Urchin boy steals a gold chain from her handbag but then is wracked with guilt and tries to put it back, but keeps being interrupted. The theft is discovered and everyone is building up to a "dramatic confrontation" when the doorbell rings - it is a couple of teachers from drama school coming to repossess Urchin boy until he can act for toffee. Only joking - he is dragged back to a childrens home. Bad Brutha feels bad but who cares.

Vickney runs around trying to lure people to a club in Dalston. Yeah! Dalston! Let's all die in a hail of bullets! No-one wants to go, surprisingly. Backstreet is growing his hair and it isn't looking good. Him, Micky, Gus and Julio have a card game in the Vic but don't let Vickney play. Fool finds out that they are playing for cash (playing Snap by the look of it. Muppets) and confiscates the cash. Whatever. Vickney cringes with horror when she gets a txt from Shazza and flirts with Ash some more.

Adull bosses Scalliq around on the stall and calls him an idiot. This week he is on the rag because Ash said Scalliq could sleep over at their house for a bit. Aargh, shut up, Adull! Scalliq gets pissed off and goes for his counselling sesh at the hospital. Scalliq pops home to get the books and finds Dadvis' shit elvis record and makes a sly face. You just know he is going to play it and touch himself in a lewd way. Scalliq goes back to Chez Ferreira, starts drinking whiskey and finds the Dadvis rekkid. At the stall some hooded scally nicks some coats. Apparently this is Scalliq's fault. Adull goes home and has a "dramatic confrontation" with Scalliq. He is all set to beat Scalliq up when scalliq says "hello! kidney donor!" Adull grinds his teeth with frustration. Scalliq tries out his scratching skillz with Dadvis' single and then dashes it to pieces on the floor. Ruh roh.

Gay Pike is pimping out some kind of weight watchers thing at the community centre. Next.

Nat moans at Big Brutha for playing her around and says she is going to visit a mate in Bristol for a bit. BB is sad.

Sham chastises Simpleton for earning no money at the caff. Sham has got wierd, flat 1970's hair. Simpleton is moving into a new, costlier flat and needs a pay rise. Meanwhile Sham gets a surveyor to value the caff. Ian overhears them discussing the value and his weasel ears prick up. Simpleton puts on an impromptu pie, eels and mash evening to earn extra cash and impress Sham but, oh, where can she purchase jellied eels at such short notice? Ian puts in a bid for the caff but Sham says he has to pay 10 grand more out of spite/loyalty to Fill. Ian tries to borrow the money off Poline but she tells him to fuck off after the property development/bankruptcy debacle. Byrite Andy gives a wierd nietzschean speech and says that Sham is the boss and she should choose who she sells the caff to. Will to power, Sham! Simpleton tries to trick Ian into revealing the name of his fish supplier but to no avail. Luckily Fool knows of a black market eel merchant. Seriously. I have given up on commenting on how lame EE is at the moment... Simpletons's eel evening is a great success but Sham sells the caff to Ian anyway - wow, she has all that money to spend on unfortunate hair cuts. Ian makes a hateful smug face and Simpleton is sad.