SIMPERS, WE'RE ALL CRAYZEEE NOW
Simpers must have had a frontal lobotomy while she was giving birth. That's the only explanation for her putting a picture of Ian in the "Daddy" slot of Simplet's baby book (note to self: don't get one - they look vile). She moons about the place, looking longingly at the Beale devil children, who look longingly back (maybe there's some demon telepathy thing going on between them and Simplet). Ian is cross and won't let them see the Simplet, but Simpleton bribes them with presents to look into the pram. At the doctors, the EE scriptwriters once again force us to consider Ian's testicles over tea. Stunt Dr Perv tells Simpleton that jumping Ian's bones between vasectomy op and all clear carries a distinct chance of his sperm still being active (eww) and able to make devil children. I can feel my morning sickness coming back...

Ian brings the presents back, plus a few choice insults about Simpleton fumbling with AGarry in the backstreets and how ugly the baby is. Simpers gives up and throws him out. To her credit, she did try throwing Juhneen in his face, but he is having none of it.

And what was AGarry doing all this time? Buying expensive prams and changing the brat's football team position every time he popped up to annoy Simpers some more. Bobby Moore was a defender, not a sweeper, you annoying pillock.

Boring sexy party sub-plot. Drippy gets lots of slutty sex toys delivered to her door. She takes them to Slutty to find out what they're for, and assorted Slater women cackle in a corner of the Vic. This sparks Backstreet's curiousity, and Fool offers the use of the living room for the party, so that he and Backstreet can perv over a secret video recording of...what? Well, it's too vile to contemplate at this time of the morning, to be honest. Billy tries to borrow time on Bazcabs' printer, but Juhneen throws him out to make way for another desktop session with Bad Brutha.

NC crumbly sub-plot. Dot catches Jim trying to steal another "Executive Garment Maintenance Technician Wanted" ad from the Kwik-E-Mart. She surmises (wrongly) that Jim doesn't want her to leave him to get up to non-comedy crumbly mischief with TriniDad.

Reefer Madness sub-plot. Martin waxes lyrical about the joy of peasant labour while Gay Pike does that looking down his nose thing and snipes from the sidelines. Poline gives Martin money for "seeds". Uh-huh-uh-huh.

Nat and the Bazlet arrives on Baz's doorstep just as Juhneen is lining up her cleavage for another onslaught on Baz's libido. Bazlet is sick, so Baz takes the day off to look after him. Then Nat is sick, so Baz tells her to stay in the house and he'll look after her. Juhneen temporarily moves out to the B&B. Bad Brutha is not impressed.