THE WHORE GAME: PT 2
The music stops, the bloke with the video camera closes in on Scalliq, who is saying: "What?" as DJ Ross starts with the "Did you shag my sister?" routine. Thinking that he is speaking into a video mobile phone and not to the bloke standing in front of him, Scalliq stammers something about Kareena being insatiable ... and DJ Ross smacks him one.

Cute groom orders the Ferreiras out of the room, but only after Dadvis tries to have a go at Madhur's baldy bloke, and Sasha loses a contact lens while shouting: "I'm a genital technician!" at Madhur ( Mark: and Teen and Kellay indulge in some minor catfightery). Dadvis's girlfriend tries to apologise, then runs off, sobbing. Madhur has a go at Kareena, who runs off to Teen's. Ash gets a determined: "things are going to be different from now on" look on his face. Oh dear. Just get the recipes and run, mate.

Video camera Bloke posts the video off to You've Been Framed.

Meanwhile, back in the skunk farm. Backstreet is toasting nicely under the 1970s self-tanning lamps while Martin bolts his tea. Dot has gone the way of all junior managers and is in pointy-headed overdrive. She gets Jim to deliver a pile of inspirational quotes such as "Put your back into it!" and "99% elbow grease is not enough" to Poline. Martin releases Backstreet from the shed. Backstreet is purple. Everybody laughs.

Now, please don't read this while you're eating your tea, or your lunch or whatever. Baz wears the smile and the stripey dressing-gown of the sexually satiated and he appears to be housing a family of Tribbles on his chest. Juhneen just looks slightly nauseous. Over at the pub, Pat is persuading Nat that her marriage to Baz isn't really over - Nat...why? I mean, even Rickay is a better bet than that slob. So, off Nat goes to see Baz. She finds a trail of push-up bras and huge grey y-fronts all over the house, and Juhneen wearing her best minxy look. Baz is "asleep", apparently, and Nat runs out of the house, straight to Loser's Bench, where she weeps in full view of Bad Brutha. Bad Brutha is "conflicted". Juhneen says there's no going back now, and skips back to Baz's bed. Bad Brutha reaches for the brain bleach, as we all do.

Pa Slater gets a phone bill and wants his money back. Billy is sad because nobody will employ him and his open, honest relationship with Drippy won't allow him to 'fess up to being a fuckwit.

Back to the Ferreiras. Well, they're all back home now. Dadvis has hit the cheap whisky, and is trying to chuck Kareena's clothes out (Kareena at Teen's, filling her in on the family history - apparently Madhur's baldy bloke used to be Dadvis's best friend). Ash starts shouting back in a slightly unreal kitchen sink drama-type way, and Dadvis appears to listen. He collects Kareena from Teen's and Ash makes the tea.

Then, like Freddy Krueger rising from the burning remains of the school boilerhouse, Dadvis returns. Ash is slapped back into place with yet another oblique reference to his shady past that has something to do with him still living at home in his early thirties, and none of them are seeing Madhur because it's Dadvis's house and those are the rules. Dadvis puts on the hated Elvis record, which really is quite, quite awful, and turns it up to 11. For a cheap stereo, it don't half pump some noise. The muffled strains of Love Me Tender are heard all over the Square. Baz thinks he's playing it for his new love; Shirley looks ill and bitter; and Adull cowers on the stairs with Kareena. Teen and DJ Ross wander off together.
(the scenes of the Ferreira kidz cowering on the stairs looking desolate, whilst Dadvis listens to his record and pulls spiteful faces were strangely disturbing)


NB: Mark, please edit or change if you like.