THE LONELINESS OF THE EASTENDERS BLOGGER
In case you were worried about the possible return of Brookside's scriptwriters to the catering industry, rest assured that they have found a loving home in the bosom of the BBC. A bigger set of naff plot-devices, idiotic character conversions and shoddily-planned denouements has not been seen since Jacqui Dixon shagged Maxie Farnham.

It's a slow news day in Walford: the Walford Gazette turns up to take photos of Brave Billy, who phoned the police when imaginary burglars ripped off the takings. Even the Southwark News doesn't sink that low, fer chrissakes. This prompts a visit from Nice Suit Andy, who elicits a confession over a few beers and then tells Billy that the SkiMask Gang is working for him and he knows that they didn't do Angie's Den. Nice Suit Andy starts blackmailing Billy. Hasn't he got anything better to do now that Mad Frankie Knuckles isn't there any more? Tsk!

Gay Pike is cross with Maryjane Martin for allowing him to take the rap for growing a drug that is no longer classified as Class A, and the amount they were growing could be classified as for personal use only. Whatever. Poline begs Pike not to grass (heh) up MMartin. MMartin promises to mend his ways, then goes out and gets drunk with Scalliq and Asif. Poline is cross and changes her mind. Martin will confess and he will go daaaaaahn.

Scalliq starts hanging around with another DJ and talking loudly about giving him all DJ Ross's gigs. Ummm...wouldn't the promoter have something to say about that? DJ Ross pouts and bitches until Scalliq takes him back. It turns out that the other DJ wasn't a DJ at all, but a clever ploy to win DJ Ross back to Scalliq's side. What is this? A Blue Jeans photo love story circa 1982?

Bridezilla chooses Sham to be her maid of honour for the Miracle Wedding That Only Takes Three Weeks to Plan. Fill rejects Billy in favour of his old friend Minty, who he seems to think is less stupid than Billy. OK. Minty starts booking the strippers for the stag night. Billy is sad, but then he's got other things to worry about.

AGarry is still annoying Simpleton, but in a rather cute way, I think, but Simpleton says that AG isn't what she'd hoped for in a father of her child. What, she wants a weasel-faced, money-grabbing sociopath like the Bealemeister instead? Simpleton goes to see Sullen and says: "Ohmigod he's so annoying! Take him back please please please please". Sullen says: "Shan't", and turns her mouth down sullenly When Simpers gets home, she discovers that AGarry has made a mobile for the Simplet out of table football figures (AG doesn't seem too bothered about the demise of Glen Roeder then). Simpleton changes her mind again, and says he can continue sleeping on the sofa. Lucky old Garry, eh?