BRING ME THE HEAD OF FILL MITCHELL

This is Thursday's and Friday's eps all done as one big happy update.

Denman's leaving. Oh no he isn't. Yes he is. No he isn't because Vickney 'fessed up to The Great Buckfast Heist and now Shazza sees Denman in a new light. He still looks like a block of wood, but a slightly more sympa block of wood in Shazza's eyes. She gives him a job in the club, and he proves that he can pour a drink with one hand and throw out besuited tossers with the other and not disturb a hair on his head. Towards the end of Friday's episode he starts looking at Shazza in a funny, slightly psycho fashion that I think denotes "attraction", and bins off Joanna the Nanny, who's had her hair done and everything, poor girl.

Now Vickney's for the chop (hurrah), so she's sad. For god's sake girl, you're from bloody Florida, what's the problem with sun, sea and sand, eh? Shazza threatens to call Shell. Oh yes, scriptwriters... bring back Shell and Dirty Den. What fun!

There's a totally non-comedy sub-plot that involves Fool's search for love, and booking strippers at the Vic. The Slaters don their dungarees, break out the hummous and threaten to stage a radical feminist picket of the jukebox and AGarry is so annoying, I nearly kicked the TV. But oh no, here comes the post-feminist twist. Fool has booked a male stripper in order to ensure that lots of lairy single women turn up.

Rickay, HFBlonde, Gus...poetry. MY Gus is now a Poet for Hire, writing love pomes to Sonia, changing her name to the HFBlonde's, and giving them to Rickay.

Other NC sub-plot involving mice and Drippy Slater. The other Slaters think her marriage is on the rock, but Drippy says she doesn't like mice or something. Anyway, Billy gets hold of a lovely fat ginger tom who falls asleep and ignores said mouse completely. Bad Bruvva buys a mouse and tells Billy to pretend that it is the errant mouse but Drippy comes home and sees the other mouse...look, do I have to go on?

Fill tells UKyert to go home because Big George is looking for him, not her. There's lots of stuff with Mad Frankie Knuckles looking evil and trying to warn George that a bouncer's job in a snooker hall in the East End might not be all that it seems. Fill - for yes indeedy, Fill has looked in Yellow Pages under "Psycho Bouncers/Contract Killers" and booked George's services for a night - polishes his baseball bat and looks hard. UKyert goes off to meet Bald Geordie Copper and asks him to fit George up with something nice and permanent. Bald Geordie reveals that not only is Big George a Psycho Bouncer/Contract Killer, but an Evil Crack Cocaine Dealer to The Kiddies, and he's been looking for an excuse to fit him up for a while. In a trice, the police are raiding Big George's rather OAP-ish house (hmm...have you seen dealers' homes, EE scriptwriters?), finding dozens of bags of mini-marshmallows/crack cocaine pills and putting him in jail for a very very long time. UKyert buys a toaster (don't ask) and moves in with Fill.

Oh yeah, Martin's still not working, and he's not going back on the stall, and Gay Pike is getting cross. I really really wish the scriptwriters would make him say: "Stupid boy!". Lame, I know, but I don't care.