THE THUG, THE NANNY, THE FOOL AND HIS BARMAID

I saw half of this with the sound turned down because there are a bunch of jazz musicians in my living room talking bollocks over EE - and I wish they'd hurry up and stop talking bollocks because I'm hungry. Apparently the bass player's double bass has a "heavy cold".

Martin's young! He's restless! He's got an ironic 70s Greek unisex barber haircut! He says to Gay Pike: "Screw the stall, Daddio! Me and my cool chick niece are going to steal a bottle of Buckfast and get drunk on Loser's Bench, 'cos we're Young! And Free! And you just don't understaaaand, man!"

So that's what they do. Fill spies Martin and decides that it's more fun picking on a slightly dim teenager than tormenting Ian Beale. He does the usual seething around the square, moaning about how Jaymee was worth ten of Martin yadda yadda (yeah, right, like you cared when he was alive, Spudhead), and generally making Martin feel rotten. He really needs to find something constructive to do with his time.

The EE scriptwriters seem to have thrown away the existentialist philosophy and auteurish conceits in favour of good old Carry On Regardless/Club Reps TV. Dim Denman sets up a one-man shagathon on Shazza's sofa (she's out)with Psycho Nanny Slut Joanna; which just about primes him up for a session with Slutty. Slutty is wearing her heartbreaker choker and a crimson boob tube with "Cheap Slapper" written in glitter across her tits. Horrible. Just wait for the Mystery Chlamydia storyline, folks.

Oh god, the jazzers are now talking about cars. Mr P has escaped into the study and is reading over my shoulder. He just said: "No I'm not...oh...ummm...OK".

Juhneen decides to take Mark's advice and read the contract. She discovers that *gasp* Mr Pantene Pro-V is going to sack everybody and use the car lot as a foundation for a secret underground lair or something. Anyway, in the nick of time, she tells Bazza and saves Bazcabs from the Evil Conglomerate. Pantene Pro-V shakes his fist and says he would have got away with it too if it wasn't for her meddling. Baz re-promotes her to manager.

Fool moons. Ethel 2.0 is wise.

NC sub-plot. Suddenly the Vic is full of attractive young women. AGarry decides to show Rickay how to pull women. Rickay ignores his advice and pulls a hard-faced blonde who goes all gooey when he mentions the Ricklet.

Martin decides to put all that prison training into practice, and tells Vickney that they're going to bust the Minute Mart tonight. MY Gus overhears and looks "troubled".