TEEN'S GOTTA HAVE IT
Teen runs into the kitchen and looks for bleach and a scrubbing brush. O-Den follows her and says that she has no other choice but to let him knock her up. She could always choose DEATH, O-Den. Teen squawks that it is disgusting and she doesn't want to hear any more nonsense. Also she says that she just wishes things where back to normal with her and Denman. Hmmm, I might be wrong but announcing that you're pregnant isn't exactly the best way to maintain the status quo. Just a thought.

Denman is looking for jobs. Teen suggests they move away from the Square. Far far from O-Den and his filthy desires. When O-Den finds out, he uses evil reverse psychology to mess with Denman's pretty little head, saying that Teen is ready to turn into a Stepford style Desperate Housewife in suburbia. Denman begs to work at the pub and is given a job. Teen is cross. LadyDen and her wonderbra futilely beg for attention from O-Den and then she gives up and takes Teen shopping. Teen moans about Denman's mother/whore complex and LadyDen suggests using feminine wiles. That's your answer for everything, LadyDen.

Yolande tells Trinidad off for being lazy and not watching potential shoplifter Jojo like a hawk. joJo says "I nevah!" and snits off. Later she steals some saucy red undies from Teen's stall and hides them in Yolande's laundry so that Dot and Poline think she is "racy". Whatever.

Billy and Drippy continue their Adventure in Christeningdom. Also Drippy gets another letter from Graham's Mum and only tells Fool about it. The three of them meet the priest (who is not the regular Comedy Vicar! gasp!). They tell the priest that Freddy was a Child of Rape and he shouts "Unclean! Unclean!" oh not really. He says they are very brave and that they must not be prisoners of the past, Billy.

PantoJane comes back to work: "oh you should be resting" "oh no I need to work and keep busy blah blah blah". Again. She notices that Devil Child Lucy is hanging round with JoJo and neglecting her psychic bond with Devil Child Peter. She tries to tell Ian about it, but he is all smug and patronising and tells her to just worry about herself for once. Well Ian, don't say she didn't warn you when Peter unleashes plagues of unholy hell locusts onto the Square.

Lee and curly are still Byrite's bitches. They notice that Fool hates him and start plotting revenge or something. Curly tries to woo Sham with his big wad of monopoly money but Lee spots him and drags him away. Lee promises that he will get rid of the money. Hands up who believes him. Meanwhile, Sham faces up to the shame of wearing a hairnet and one of those white hats. Byrite comes into the chippy to buy some chips and exchange unpleasantries with Sham. Curly lurks in the corner grinning like the joker. Sham asks if Byrite wants any vinegar and when he says yes I shout "Aim for the eyes!" Unfortunately Sham just empties the whole bottle onto Byrites chips. Byrite makes a pissy face and stomps off so Sham runs after him and throws all the chips at the back of his head. Heh.

Teen and LadyDen return. LadyDen moans to O-Den that he hired Denman without asking her while Teen inexplicably shows her purchases to a pair of complete strangers (one of them might have been the Silent Bald Postman). Teen goes and gets gussied up in a short skirt and a top with special cut-out bits to accomadate her strapping shoulders. She tries to seduce Denman but when that fails she starts chatting to Lee and gets him to buy her a drink. Denman drags her upstairs and Teen giggles at the sauciness of it all. Shut up, Teen. She demands sex and Denman says "No! You're going to be a mother! It would be sick and wrong!" Can someone page for a Psych consult! (yes, ER is back tonight, woo hoo!). He goes away, leaving Teen and her empty uterus all alone. O-Den comes along and says "So, how about it then?" Blech.

(PS. I meant to put the roller coaster of doom storyline on the "worst story of 2004" poll but totally forgot. doh.)