MAKE MY, MAKE MY BABY
Poor little Teen has painted dark circles under her eyes and wanders about looking tragic. Drippy tries to get her to talk, but she won't, and everybody thinks she's just pregnant. O-Den slithers over to her in the caff and suggests another baby-making session. You can almost see her norks shrivel at the prospect, and she says that she wouldn't sleep with O-Den again if he was the last man on earth. O-Den points out that in her case, he is, so get 'em out after lunch.

But LadyDen has other plans. She gets Denman to mind the pub while she whisks O-Den off for a day of pampering and unspecified shoppingness. Teen starts casting around for another sperm donor and her gaze lights upon...Lee from The Office! What? Even though he's been wearing the same skanky old Will Young outfit for the past three weeks? I mean, at least O-Den washes occasionally.

Am v excited about CBF's christening now that Villa is the Vicar. Maybe he's got Orac stashed in the vestry. Billy's getting excited too, but then he finds Eeevil Graham's mum's letter by accident and gets tediously moany and drunk again. Fool carries him home. More moony looks in the doorway. Drippy says that she's only an old lady and it's not her fault that her son's an eeeeevil rapist. Billy wants her to promise that CBF will never see his Eevil Granny evah, and rips up the letter. Drippy retrieves the pieces when he's not looking. Oh for...

Dot decides to investigate The Mystery of the Saucy Knickers. Poline points out that there are better things to do with your time, like collecting clothes for orphans or buying new outfits for Betty the Dog. Yolande's fed up with TriniDad moping about Bad Brutha's disappearance and leaving her to run the shop, which is grist to Dot's mill. Glad there are still glimmerings of the evil old gossip that Dot once was. She's been getting too saintly lately.

Byrite notices Curly eyeing up Sham and tells him to have a pop whenever he likes. Demon Child Lucy is studying Scamming, Shopplifting and Skanking 101 with JoJo, with extra classes in Smartarse backchat. She fails to get a tenner off Sham, but does make her feel like an ugly loser. Go go Demon Lucy! PantoJane notices Lucy has acquired skanky rough teen earrings and is sad.

TriniDad and Jim get involved in Curly's quite-clever-actually scheme to get rid of the Monopoly money. They act as Curly's stooges (see what I did there?) and bet the Monopoly cash on a stream of three-legged donkeys in various races, so now Byrite has a wodge of funny money emanating from his betting shop. Like your style, Curly. Curly celebrates by chatting up Sham.

Meanwhile Teen's campaign to nab Lee's precious bodily fluids swings into action. After a day of twinkling looks and checking out with Fool, she sits him down in the caff and offers her norks on a plate, no questions asked. Lee displays an admirable self-control and tells her that other people's pregnant girlfriends aren't his bag, baby. Teen gets desperate(er) and kisses him in the street just as Denman comes out of the pub. Denman goes: "grrr...baby will get damaged by other man's saliva...must smash! Grr!" and punches Lee. Teen carried off by LadyDen. Lee: bemused and a bit sore.