O-DEN UNDONE
What to write about tonight's craptacular effort? First of all, Moomin gets cross (for the 15th episode in a row) when Poline goes into their room, strips the bed and finds all of Moomin's flimsy "Frederick's of Walford" style negligees. She hen pecks Martin into telling Poline to stop being such a freak but Poline doesn't pay attention. Gay Pike comes along and explains it all to her again in words of one syllable so Poline goes back and says that they can have her double room. They are pleased until they can't discover that Martin can't get it up with pictures of Arfur and Poline leering down at him. Wait til they find out about the holes that Gay Pike has drilled in the walls.

Bad Brutha sulks around like a goddamn teenager. Byrite spots him mooching around the bookies and offers him the job delivering mystery packages around London. BB accepts and then sits on Losers Bench and counts his dirty money. Trinidad comes snivelling around and asks if he can do anything but BB is mean to him. Bad Brutha, you are not 13 years old so get over it.

PantoJane and Ian have an awkward day together in the caff. Jane tries to be her normal happy-go-lucky self but Ian is still sulking about his New Romantic Lurve Debacle. Jane says that she really does like Ian and starts to tell him about CJDave, but then is "overcome with emotion" (ie. has to drag the plot out all week)and runs off.

More Ferriera Muppet Mayhem. Juley is bantering with the others - it is DJ Ross's turn to have a go at Martina. He is convinced he will melt her heart when he Dj's (or "plays out" as he unfortunately describes it). She takes the piss out of him so Juley persuades him to get some fliers and posters printed - desperate much? Scalliq is jealous (I say no more). At the club, Martina shows up and leaves very quickly after DJ Ross starts boasting about his skank groupies. Next!

Pat goes round and returns her half of the betting scam money to Byrite. Byrite says he is going to wreak a terrible revenge against O-Den (what, bore him to death?) unless Pat can get the money back, plus £1,000 extra to cover "interest". Poor old Pat runs round to O-Den and says that Byrite doesn't know it was O-Den and if Pat can repay the money then she won't get battered. O-Den coughs up but then Byrite goes and gloats about the whole thing to him anyway.

Meanwhile Shazza and Vickney return from their holiday, but they haven't taken a holiday from being harsh to O-Den and immediately start haranguing him about LadyDen. Shazza's new tan makes her face the exact same terracotta colour as the walls of their living room, btw. Nice. Shazza is a bit put out when she discovers that Teen has moved in.

O-Den finds Pat in the Vic and basically calls her a nasty old whore. Pat says that she's still got her dignity and calls O-Den a has-been. Byrite comes in and sticks up for Pat and lectures O-Den while the whole Vic listens in (in particular, Ian makes lots of smug faces). Byrite repeats the "has-been" allegation and mentions about O-Den losing the house and club in a game of snap. Shazza wobbles her jaw and says "Really?!?" Shazza and Byrite try and make O-Den apologise to Pat but he won't. O-Den snits off and makes hacky faces on the step outside.