THE PARENT TRAP
It's all about parents, trust, truth and shagging people you shouldn't tonight. Now that Vickney and Shazz have gone off on their inexplicable holiday - those two do more holidays than the Duchess of York - ODen decides it's time to educate Denman in the Way of the Ageing Lothario. Denman's adamant that he doesn't need any tips on shagging women, and anyway, he's changed - though not because of Teen, oh no. ODen and Denman return to the deserted club to bond in a manly fashion, but then two Lambrini types from Leytonstone turn up. One of them could be Sham's unknown sister; the other looks a bit like "flirt queen" Tracey Cox. I think they told the producer that they came top of LAMDA's "Act Like An Essex Girl" class.

Meanwhile, Teen and Slutty are banged up together in the police cell specially reserved for the Slaters. Slutty's all gloomy as she reads the graffiti - "Little Mo 4 Eeeevil Trev 4eva". "Chas Slater woz ere". "Big Mo was never ere and you can't prove nuffink". "Fill is innocent".

Teen thinks it's a good opportunity to bond as they're in a special place in their relationship. I dunno, police cells seem to be part of every Slater's life, don't they? A nice policeman brings them fish fingers and mash.T hey talk about Denman and Fool; how Teen has talked to Shazza and the crypto-incest is ovah. Slutty admits to shagging Byrite, and the circumstances behind said shag. Teen confesses to lezzing it up with Kellay. They cry, Slutty's mascara runs, and she falls asleep, panda-eyed on Teen's manly lap while Teen grinds her teeth in a quite genuinely scary fashion. Nice Copper tells them that the Website Nathans are too busy explaining their Shoreditch twattery to bring charges against the Slaters, but that they still can't go until morning. Teen's all: "But I've got hitmen to organise...", but they only let her call Denman. She asks Denman about Byrite, but we don't hear the answer.

While all this is going on, the Leytonstone Lambrini Massive is drunkenly falling for ODen's wrinkly charms, even calling him Peter Stringfellow. Denman, as ODen's "brother", sulks and glowers moodily at the Sham-a-like, who mistakes it for a come-on and dances provocatively in front of him. Meanwhile, Tracey strokes her throat and points to her genitals like a good'un. ODen invites the girls back to Weird Family Central, where they accidentally discover LadyDen's favourite Simply Red CD - I think possession of a Simply Red CD is considered adequate grounds for divorce on the charge of mental and aural cruelty in most civilised countries. ODen nearly cops off with the Sham-a-like, but stops halfway up the stairs, wilting under the power of Denman's glower (and a very lovely glower it is too). The girls wait ages for a cab (well, the Ferreiras will have knocked off hours ago), and leave. ODen goes up to his bedroom and plays the Simply Red CD while sadly patting LadyDen's place on the bed. Mind you, he's not that sad, because he can only take one song before he switches it off again.