CONFESSIONS OF AN EAST END BOOKIE
Denman's all "Hulk Smash!", looking for Byrite and going grr at anybody who stands in his way. Teen runs over to the pub and tells Slutty about her encounter with Byrite. There's a lot of shouting about Byrite being extra super dangerous and eevil, and how he will kill Denman with his ninja kittens of destruction. Teen tries to stop him by calling him on her mobile. The man is about ten yards away dear. Just run after him. Alfie has had a new haircut (obviously not by LadyDen) that shows off his grey bits. He looks slightly bemused at Slutty's runny mascara and Teen jiggling about the living room, but decides he's better off not knowing.

Moomin wants to do her nursing work but Poline keeps oppressing her with laundry tips and the correct way to dress a salad. She retreats to Loser's Bench, but the Harlem Globetrotterettes are practising - whaat? there isn't even a hoop in MacArfur Park. One of the Globetrotterettes - possibly the most middle-class-looking yoblet since Daniel Day-Lewis in My Beautiful Launderette - overhears Bad Brutha telling TriniDad that he'll only "coach" the basketball team until after the next social worker visit. Glo'ette is sad.

In the launderette Dot cleans everything because you can't have evil cancer-causing germs around your smalls in this day and age. Poline and Moomin look puzzled. Moomin is told to try and get on with Poline because you never know when you're going to get a mysterious illness from evil evil dirty germs and drop dead. Poline annoys Moomin some more, and Moomin tells Martin to find them a flat so that they can do naked TV watching without Gay Pike walking in on them.

Denman finds Byrite, who says he didn't touch Teen, but he's probably the only bloke in the Square who hasn't. Denman goes Smash Grr a bit, and then we get a mini-two hander that has more homoerotic undertones than a Boy Scout manual. Byrite tells Denman that Teen has set the two of them up. Denman calls Byrite a lonely sociopathic rapist. Byrite says excuse me I'm a legitimate gangsta with my own blonde and everything, loser. Denman says, no you're the loser. Byrite says, am not. Denman says, are so, and they stand back to back like a really awful amdram poster from Bromley or something. Denman says that his crypto incest days are over, and that he hearts Teen. Then he goes off to tell Teen that she's moving in with him, and indicate to Slutty that her secret's safe with him (at a price! no not really...)

Kyert brushes off Lonely ODen again. And I'm sorry, but there is more than one hairdresser in London, love, so sort that barnet out and stop wearing that hat you stole off of Howard from Take That in 1994. Panto Jane gets a chance to be Simpleton II when she agrees to collect the Midwich twins from school. Ian moans about finding the ideal woman to Kyert, who being a fornicatrix, is now out of the running. Kyert eyes PJane and thinks: "hmmmm".

Bad Brutha discovers that The Red Hand Gang have lost all hope because he prefers the betting shop to a basketball court. Then Fool complains that nobody is using the pool table...that's a London pub with a pool table, and nobody's using it. Maybe the writers live in a quantum dimension or something. Bad Brutha comes up with a way of keeping Fool's pool table and helping The Kidz buy decent basketball uniforms: a pool tournament! Kidz: happy...whatever...please tell me that this storyline will die an awful, violent death, and take those dreadful brats with it.